psychiatric hospital Bristol
by Iwy'sAshes
Summary: A smirk forms on her lips and she nods when I mutter ;"Welcome to the child and teenage psychiatric hospital Bristol, be part of your future, now."
1. Naomi

_**A bit of a different take on skins. Darker. Contains self harm, sexual content, abuse, suicide, mental illness. Who cant bear to read it, shouldn't. **_

**_Who __is__ interested, welcome and don't be shy to drop a review with your thoughts, worries, complaints. _**

_**Criticism is appreciated as much as everything else. **_

_**Rated M**_

_**Skins isn't mine. **_

_**IwysAshes**_

* * *

_A smirk forms on her lips and she nods when I mutter ;"Welcome to the child and teenage psychiatric hospital Bristol, be part of your future, now."_

* * *

**Prologue.**

_Born to die._

It's got quite a ring to it, a almost poetic way to describe my life if I'd try to explain what my purpose walking this earth might be.

She is looking at me through red-rimmed eyes. She always is after I open her eyes to see how right she is when she describes me as a bomb.

She's pleading for me to stop hurting, to stop listening, to stop trying to walk by the edge. She's scared I'll go one step too far and fly too far away, loosing my senses altogether.

She's blaming herself, blaming my father, my brother, my school, my friends. She cant bring herself to see her her little girl being to blame for this.

She's grasping my hands, my arms, my shoulders, clinging to me like I'd disappear if she let go.

Her hands are shaking, her body is shaking and her voice lost its strength she carries in it.

She's a lioness. She's a mother.

She's the strongest woman alive because she is my mother but my eyes bring her to her knees, change her roars to sobbing pleas, change her glares to begging watering eyes.

Her strength turns into fear.

A sobbing shadow of the woman she needs to be to live through times like this.

She's stroking the red marks on my lower arm, kissing them with tenderness only a mother can show, trying to kiss it better like only a desperate broken mother could.

I let her. I let her have the time to try and make it better for her little girl, because she needs this.

_Just for the moment._

She's cupping my cheeks, begging me to _look_ at her, begging me to stop looking through her.

"Did you bring my fags?" Like a flash she's showing me a bag she's brought, emptying it on my bed with shaking,  
wrinkling hands.

"Got your favourite clothes love, washed them. They said I could bring your CD player, but I didn't know which CD's to bring, grabbed two hands full, don't know what you're listening to now." Her lips are shaking, realizing again and again how far away I truly am.

She tries to pull herself together, her shaky fingers reaching back inside the bag.

"A few books. Your favourites. You'll have time to read again, sweetheart. You always enjoyed reading." When my eyes meet hers she stops the nervous babbling and continues unpacking.

CD player.

Clothes.

CD's.

Books.

Canned dinner.

A carton of fags.

Make up, tooth brush, tooth paste, shower gel, shampoo.

Garibaldi biscuits.

Cuddle blanket.

Favourite pillow.

Sweets.

One could think I was moving in somewhere. From the look in her eyes I think I do. She looks guilty.

_She is guilty._

"Love, you'll see this will be good for you. For _us_. You'll learn how to deal with your, uh, problems and I will do my best to support you on every step you take. Time will fly by and soon you'll be back home, where you belong." Guilty tears run down her face.

She aged.

I feel nothing wondering when this happened.

I snatch my hand away and light a much needed cigarette, my eyes finding hers and making her sink in her chair.

They always do.

"They kept me locked up for two days. Two days I've been tied to a bed, mother, pumped full with drugs and left to piss myself. I hope you are fucking happy because when I'm done here, I'll have no home any more. I'll never see you again."

My words might as well be bullets, seeing how she flinches and breaks out in heart wrenching tears.

She's grabbing my hands again but I don't let her.

She's had her time.

"Dont say that, you're my daughter. You will always be with me Naomi. No matter what."

She's hysterical.

"Dont you remember? No matter what happens, I'll be by your side." Her face crumbles and she starts to hiccup when I push her off me.

"Home isn't home without you."

"Should have thought about that before you betrayed me." I take a deep drag of my fag before I hold it to my lower arm, pushing it against the scarred skin without hesitation. "Piss off."

She knows I wont stop until she leaves.

When I turn my head to the side, she's gone and all I see is my room-mate, silently staring at me through her empty, blue eyes.

A smirk forms on her lips and she nods when I mutter ;"Welcome to the child and teenage psychiatric hospital Bristol, be part of your future, now."


	2. Effy

_**Hello everyone! *waves like a dork***  
_

_**Wow, didnt think this dark thing would get so much positive reactions. Thanks to everyone who read it, fav'ed, followed, commented.  
**_

_**As you see in the description, I didn't give Naomi a 'Partner', to answer some questions; This is her story and she will meet different people who touch her heart in the process.  
**_

_**A bit of everything.  
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_**I hope you like it, that's chapter one from where on the story will continue. Also, I'll most likley stay in Naomi's Pov, I don't like jumping around. Maybe, if it'll be important I'll make an exception.  
**_

_**levee- Thanks, my first reviewer, I'll do my best to continue. Depends, if no one wants to read it I'll stop. :)  
**_

_**Lisas101- I've seen you commenting on my fic too. Thanks. Naomi's room mate will play a huge part and you were right. It's Effy. Yeah, I realized that later that people may have thought Effy was telling the story. Sorry about that. Thanks again for commenting and I hope you stick around.  
**_

_**marsupial 1974- Thank you for taking the time and leaving a comment. Appreciate it. I do plan on continuing the story, have a few chapters written. Hope you like where this is going. :)  
**_

_**djyxa-It sure is :D Hope you're with me on that one. Thank you for your comment.  
**_

_**Off we go!  
**_

_**Skins isn't mine, don't make any money with it. If someone cant stand to read about people with mental problems, self harming themselves or sex, you wont like this story then.  
**_

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_** Meet my room mate Effy and take a look around our ward  
**_

* * *

_Three months._

It's my three months anniversary today.

Three long months of tears, anger, fights, sessions with my shrink every two days and full of visits to the hospital. Three long months full of laughter, fun, trouble we got into, and way too much pill we sniff away.

It is like a planet, I feel like a planet in the making.

Hundreds and thousands of rocks hit against each other and pull and push, they tear on me, they try to tear me apart while everyone around tries to hold me together.

She comes every Thursday for a family session. She leaves every Thursday in tears I caused.  
She comes back the next Thursday with new hope and a genuine smile which I slap it off with one look alone.  
She thinks that at one point, an _exact point_ it will all be _better, _telling herself it already happened before she arrives.

_Naive_.

Effy.

My room mate.

My beautiful, silent, tragic friend is the best thing that could've happen to me._ She's my moon_, her gravity holds me together and I feel her pull on me, even when I am somewhere else, to come back to her.

We have got a colour system in our psychiatry. Everyone new or someone without progress is red.

_Red_: No privileges. Needs to be escorted from therapy to the rooms and everywhere else outside of the ward.

_Orange_: Can move around the grounds on their own.

_Green_: Can leave the grounds without being escorted. Are 'free' except for the need to be on time to every therapy, meal, appointment and curfew.

The greens return back to the ward when they absolutely need to. Always on the last second of their freedom the door bell goes off.

They don't like us,_ the ones without much chance to be released any time soon._

We scare them.

I snatch my hands away from my mothers grip and rise to my feet, walking to the door I pound on it until a social worker gets me and escorts me back to my ward.

I don't look back, I don't say good bye to my mum and I don't apologize for leaving the session early.

_I never stay for the whole hour._

"They got on your nerves again?" I think his name is Freddie, he's pretty young like all the staff are except for the psychiatrists.

Only social workers are with us, no nurses. We've got a few trick cyclists, a doctor for every ward and social workers who had special training before being allowed to meet us, work with us.

Special training they do need, sounds like they are carefully prepared for 'cases' like us.

They know how to apply first aid, how to fixate us, they learned all about self-defence, were told how arty our self harm ways are and which usual items we use, were shown over and over how to frisk us when we were off our ward, and it goes on and on.

If you haven't guessed already, I am a 'red'. Just like most of the patience on my floor. Since we cant leave without an escort, we are allowed to smoke in a special room. Only reds, because the law wont let everyone smoke inside.

My floor consists of a hallway with five bedrooms, and one bathroom on each side. The bathrooms have three toilettes and showers. The hallway turns to the right and there is our kitchen we're not allowed into, our dining room and our 'TV-Play room' with a telly, a footsie table, books and huge sofas. Just a relaxing area.

Next to it is our tiny smoking room.

It doesn't look like in a hospital. Probably because it isn't one. It's plain and simple a loony bin with five different wards.

Ward one- kids with psychosis until the age of 9

ward two-kids with psychosis until the age of 12

ward three- open ward for teenagers with every mental problem age 12-18

ward four- locked ward for teenagers with every mental problem age 12-18

ward five- half locked/half open ward for teenagers with addiction age 9-18

That's just our building. Ward one is on the first floor, ward five on the fifth. It's purpose, because it's a little more tricky to break out of a locked window on the fifth floor.

I am on floor four since the day I arrived. They say I don't make any steps in _any_ direction, that's why I'm still a red, ward four.

Effy raises her head from the book she's currently reading in the smoking area and lays it to the side. She gets up and takes my hand, looking to the 'common room'.

Her hand is always soft. The softness of her missing voice is everywhere, it's just her. _Effy is pure softness, no matter how hard her eyes may be._

We've got a new girl, but I cant stand to see anyone now and meet Effy's eyes again. She doesn't say or do anything, _she never does _and we sit back on the wooden bench while I yell for Freddie. I lean on the corner of the wall, straddling the bench and Effy is sitting pressed to my front, between my legs. My arms are around her waist and she is leaning back into me.

"Freddie! Get back here and light me!" I snap, because I know Effy's been waiting for a worker to light her fag for ages, everyone was _somewhere_ or _busy_ or she would have had a burning fag in her mouth when I arrived.

_She always does._

He comes back with his boyish grin and bows, maybe in a different world, time and place we'd find it funny or cute, like every normal teenager should, maybe then we wouldn't look in disgust at his lame attempt to make us smile.

"Very funny, prince charming. I bet your fiancé cant keep it in her knickers when you act like a fucking twat. Light my fag!"

I watch him crumble under my stare and cold, harsh words. The boy with a backbone made of steel and a smile forever painted on his face cant stand the wave of hatred I'm firing.

**No one can.** Except for Effy.

He leaves quickly, almost tripping over his own feet, because the little boy cant get away fast enough. I hate the way he stares at her. Like she's a piece of meat he'd like to eat. His fiancé can be lucky she's got him.

"Fucking stoner. Reckon he's not allergic but a complete stoner?" I don't care if she speaks, got enough problems of my own.

"Would fucking appreciate it if you stopped barfing in your dresser Eff. Or at least throw it away before they smell it. Had to clean the bathroom today because they found it."

She shakes her head at me and lightly chuckles. It's gone as soon as we hear the doors open and many, yelling voices. Effy grabs my hand and we rush to the hallway just in time to see five huge men fight a tiny girl.

Her mother yells for her to stop embarrassing her, but she kicks the securities, then her mother, then she's brought into isolation.

That was interesting.  
New girl seems to be _really_ happy to be with us.

I couldn't see much of her, probably wont for the next days until they let her out and move into her room but I think she will be either a problem or a hidden gift like Effy is.

_There is nothing in-between._

After we took a much needed nap we had tea, the day is just boring. My sessions with Hank (my shrink) and the beast (my mum) always drain me and I cant be bothered with anything any more. Effy joins me in my misery, in my boredom.

_Everything is a bit less boring with her._

We're sitting in the telly room, Effy's head is on my thighs and I'm slumped across one side of the huge sofa, running my fingers through her hair. It's 9pm and we still have an hour until we need to be in our room. Everyone over sixteen has to be in their rooms by 10pm. Lights out at exactly 11pm. But they don't really care, as long as we are quite.

Jersey shore is on TV and we watch it half-heartedly.

"You know, I think Michelle thought she's a bitch too. Have you seen Pandora come out of her room yet?" I know I wont get an actual answer but it soothes me to talk to Effy. _To have her near_.

Whatever's going on in that head of hers, I'd gladly fight it with _everything_ I have because I know that deep down, under all that silent, throw up in the closet, smash own head against the heater shit, is one of the purest hearts hiding.

A pure heart that shouldn't be harassed by whatever it is that is haunting her. I'll trade places with her every day, just to give her a second to take a breath without worrying that something will, whatever they scare her with.

_Just that thought alone hurts my heart._

"God, it's fucking embarrassing to watch that. I feel dirty. They are so fake and pathetic. Who talks like that?"

The phone is ringing and I groan because I'm the only one that's here to answer. Effy wont say shit and the others are in their rooms.

The phone is in a make shift phone booth. It's our phone. Our family or friends can call, they speak to the workers. The worker check if we're here, on their flip chart and then put them through to our phone. We cant call anyone though.

"Hello?"

"Tony Stonem. Could I talk to Naomi?"  
I let myself fall on the old, comfy love seat and groan. This will take a while.

"I don't have time to talk to you lot all the time Tony. Why do you even call? She wont talk to you."

"Well, hello to you too love. How I'm doing? Fine, thanks how about you?"

"I was pretty comfy with your sisters head between my legs 'til you rudely interrupted."  
I crack a smile when I hear his amused answer.

"Oh, shit my timing sucks. I shall apologize." After we laugh he gets serious. I like this bloke, he's got a good heart. "How is she doing?"

"She's fine."

"She hurt herself this week?"

"Yeah."

"She been to the hospital?"

"Yeah."

"She been in the calm room?"

"Nope."

"She taking her pills?"

"Nope."

"She taking yours?"

"Yeah."

"You taking care of her?"

"Yeah."

"Cook got into her pants?"

"Suppose."

"Any progress in anything?"

"Not really. Look Tony, I don't know what you want _me_ to tell you. She is just like she _always_ is but she isn't worse. Okay?"

"I'm worried. I cant even visit her for fucks sake and I really miss her. You cant believe how relieved we are that she got you, Naomi."

"Why?"

"Because she found someone worth living for, for a while."

My eyes fill with tears.

It's easy to forget how serious Effy's condition is when you're with her 24/7. We have so much fun, well, fun for our standards, that I sometimes forget how bad everything really is.

I care _too much. _

It kills just me.

It kills me knowing what these fucking bastards are doing in her head.  
It kills me to see how she willingly lets herself be fucked like a whore.  
It kills me seeing her act like she's on this earth only to suffer.  
It kills me knowing that Effy _wont_ grow out of it.  
It kills me knowing that as soon as she gets the chance she will leave this life.  
It kills me to know that the last months having her near meant the world to me but not to her.  
It kills me that I fucking know how important she is for my healing and whether or not I'm around wont matter to her illness.  
It kills me to know that she changed so much in me but I wont change shit.

"I'm sorry sweetheart. Didn't want to upset you."

"It's cool. Look, I gotta go. Effy's staring at me."

"All right. Get her back between your legs babes. Tell her I love her, all right?"

My beautiful, suffering friend walks over to me and takes my hand, walking us to our room in thick silence.  
She's _always_ silent but something is different about her right now. About us.

She gently pushes me on our bed. We pushed our beds together a while ago, filling the slit with blankets and now we have a king size bed we share.

She kneels in front of me and wipes my tears away. She knows I cry because of her. She knows I always cry because of her, she knows that it hurts so much to know you cant help someone you grew to love so much.

"I'm sorry Eff." I avoid her eyes because it's really embarrassing, I hate crying in front of others. _Makes me weak._ And no one should try and tell me that it's all just my imagination. There is nothing brave about letting your feelings out, weep in front of others, it's _not_ a break through. It's embarrassing, makes everyone feel awkward and the tension rises ten times.

She leans up and her soft lips meet mine for a long, _very long kiss. _

My eyes are wide open and I stare at her but she just pushed more firmly into me, rests one hand on my thigh and the other on my neck until I hesitantly close my eyes and kiss her back.

We stay like this for a while.

Nothing moves except for our lips. It would be chaste if I didn't feel the force behind it, _she's not hesitating at all,_ she's giving me time to decide if I want this.

_Do I?_

It feels fucking nice to feel someone that close, it comforts me in a way I didn't think was possible.

I'm no virgin, had my first time the day after my thirteenth birthday but I never really enjoyed it. Always fucked hot lads when I was drunk and horny, stopped them often because I didn't feel anything. It was more of a punishment for me. I knew I'd feel disgusted with myself for weeks, did it twice as hard and long and suffered twice as much because I felt dirty.

I tilt my head, run my fingers in her beautiful mane and open my mouth, pulling her that much closer with my free hand.

A moan escapes her tasty lips and something in me wakes. Something I have _never_ felt before. Lust. My eyes shoot open and I scramble backwards, forcefully dragging her with me to the middle of our bed, wrapping one leg around her waist just as her lips start to move in a rapid speed across my neck.

I stare at the ceiling when she pushes up my shirt and opens my bra.

I shut my eyes close when her teeth tug on my nipple.

I pant heavily when her fingers fight with my zip fastener.

I groan "Come here" and pull her head up to crash my lips to hers when her wonderful thumb circles my bundle of nerves.

I curse like a sailor when she enters me, and almost cum on the spot when I meet her eyes, the way she looks at me. Saying _so much_ without saying one word.

I chant incomprehensible words when she pushes her hips harder, faster and her fingers go that much deeper.

She grabs my chin and turns my head back around to her so I have to look into her eyes when she throws me other edge.

I'll always remember the way she panted into my ear, looked at me in determination and so much more.

I'll always remember the moment where I was the only person, _the only thing_ on Effy's mind.

For that one moment no one existed, _nothing_ that was more important existed.


	3. Want blood, guts, and angel cake

**Hello hello, thanks for the reviews, faves, for reading and the, alarms :) Means a lot. **

**IwysAshes**

* * *

I want blood, guts, and angel cake

I'm gonna puke it anyway

I wanna be a real fake

I wanna be a virgin pure  
A 21st century whore

* * *

**Four months**

Well, time doesn't really change things, does it? _No_.

You can walk all you want, as fast as you want, nothing will change when you don't start taking random turns. You'll just go in circles in the end.

_Safe_.

Should be a comfortable, nice word.

It's not, when you're told that you don't change anything because it's _safer_. That you don't let anyone touch you because it's _safer_. That you wont see the beautiful things life will throw you because it's _safer_.

Fucking _safe_.

Sitting on the freshly cleaned bathroom tiles, which are slowly turning red with the help of my lovely razor and my upper thighs, doesn't sound fucking _safe_ to me.

I don't know how long I've been sitting here, pretty much slicing my arm without having the strength or Will to come to an end, no matter how many fat cells I see.

Cutting your skin, _really_ cutting not just scratching it for attention, shows you that your flesh looks pretty weird.

You see, first, there's no blood and that's dangerous.

There is _no_ blood, you see your skin _gape_ _open_ and then there are little _white_ dots. That are your fat cells. You should really stop then, but you start feeling your arm throb. It's more a pulsation and it feels fucking _amazing_.

Seeing the blood flow out in sync with the throb gives you the kick because you actually feel your body respond.

You feel _something_.

If you haven't stopped by then, you start butchering your arm _without_ the fascination, just with a speed that makes it hard not to cut over already open places.

You close your eyes, enjoy feeling of the blade slicing you open piece for piece and when you open your eyes the next time, you're laying in a puddle of your own blood and you cant stop the bleeding any more.

You lose lots of blood and then, being in a loony bin, you wrap a towel around the arm, thigh, or whichever place you chose to abuse this time and go to the staffs room. You are supposed to hide your injury, it's a trigger for others, seeing it and you'll get in well big trouble for parading it around.

A trigger. I'll give you an example, it'll be easier. Lets say Effy bashes her head open again with a fucking stone she found in the stairway. She'll bleed all over the place and be fucking ecstatic on her adrenalin trip. Right, another mental case meets her on her way to the staffs room, sees her bleeding face and like a fucking vampir after seeing blood they'd run to their room because Effy triggered them and harm themselves.

It's exactly like an alcoholic. When he's sober for months and suddenly finds himself in a fucking bar, or brewery he'd be tempted. But being sober for a few days or still on the withdrawal? He'd drink the fucking place dry.

If you're in panic or horribly hurt they wont scold you but if it's a wound like it always is with you and you run around showing it to the world you'll get either your privileges taken away or if it happens frequently you'll be moved to 'the house'.

Arriving at staff's room they'll look at you and you say; "I chopped."

They nod and one of them calls the doctor, brings you to the meds room and the doc cleans your wounds. She looks closely and pulls the gapes apart to see how deep you've cut before she makes _the_ decision.

Is a stripe enough or do you need stitches?

If you've seen your fat cells, you most likely need stitches or it'll leave really gross scars, and you have enough of them already.

She's checking my arm with a frown, tugging and pushing on my bleeding, open skin. "I don't know Naomi. I think you'll need stitches for this one, but other than that, we can stripe it."

"I'm not going to the hospital for one little, tiny cut Dolores. No way. I'll be gone for hours and I'm really exhausted. Cant you just stripe it twice as tight?"

She's studying me. Knows that I'm aware it cant be stitched afterwards, only in the following four hours. She sighs and I know I've won this one.

I _always_ do.

Finally, after ten minutes I'm all patched up and I jump to the floor.

**OUCH!**

I wince, I think I did something horrible to my thigh and she'll fucking know.

"Lift your shirt a bit darling."

I'm wearing boxer shorts and a huge shirt, an old gift from my brother Nantwin. He's eight and when he was about three years old he wanted to buy me something nice. Sadly he chose a Chicago Bulls Jersey in XXXL. I was swimming in it then and I still am. It hangs _somewhere_ by my knees.

Still, it is my favourite shirt ever. I sleep in it. I wear it as soon as I get home. It's really comfy.

This time my body flinches on its own when she probes and pulls on my thigh and I'm hanging to my right side, like a cripple.

Worried eyes find mine and she sighs, gesturing for me to lay on the cot.

"That's not good Naomi. Not at all. We need to have it checked, I'll organize a taxi. I don't even want to know why you haven't shown me this. Do you want to take someone with you?"

"My room mate. Get someone to give her a lighter for us please."

She leaves the room to call the hospital and arrange my transport. We don't have real hospital equipment here. When we cut ourselves deep enough to need stitches, we have to go to the hospital. If a bone is broken too. Only trivial wounds can be here taken care of.

It's nothing new for me to go to the hospital. Have been there about 8 times since I got here. Because I'm over sixteen no worker has to come with, I get sat in a taxi and driven to the hospital. A nurse always waits in front of the building for us and wont leave our side until the doctor can see us. Usually we don't have to wait because it happens at night, but sometimes, on the weekends we got to wait a few minutes.

Today's Thursday. We could be in luck.

It's allowed to take a patient with us when we're not joined by a worker and Effy keeps me company and I go with her when she needs to go. It's been this way since she repeatedly threw her head into the heater and had to get her forehead stitched.

My first night in our room.

She showed me exactly what I had to deal with and I was pretty thankful. After that, nothing could faze me any more and I was a help if needed, not a hysterical sobbing crazy person fainting when seeing what Effy always does to herself.

Ten minutes later I'm sitting in a taxi with Effy by my side and we are on our way. It's the first time that I'm as silent as she is. I'm worrying about my thigh.

Her hand reaches for mine but in the end she only lays it directly beside it, leaving me the choice. I accept her _always_ protective hand, clasping it and giving it a squeeze.

"Heard the girl will be back tomorrow. The one that ran away and made her mother cancel her stay with us. Apparently she doesn't have a choice any more."

Effy's eyes slowly meet mine.

"Yeah, according to a courts decision she's got to take part in a residential treatment, until the shrinks let her leave, or she'll go to jail for fourteen months. Her breakout wasn't that successful then."

The cabby coughs and I stare in his eyes through the rear-vision-mirror, raising a brow and daring him to show another sign of being uncomfortable with our choice of topic. "Can I help you? Would you like a cough sweet? Doesn't sound good, should get it checked or fucking stop it."

He adverts his eyes and mumbles how much of a ungraceful young lady I am. "Just fucking drive, it's what you're paid for, for Christ's sake. You're paid to drive us, not comment or even listen to what we talk about so why don't you do your little job, isn't that hard, is it? Shouldn't have quit school then, maybe you'd have a job where your opinion's wanted, or fucking matters."

His eyes widen and I see that he's gritting his teeth.

Good.

Today was a horrible day, my temper is all over the place and I guess he's the vile today. Happens to the best of us. I don't have anything against cabmen, my lovely uncle been doing this for his whole life and we've always had lots of fun together.

"I can only apologize, sweetheart."

"Stop the fucking car!" My screeching voice didn't stop him but I sure as hell will.

I reach across the front seats but Effy lazily takes my hand and looks as bored as ever into my wide eyes. She just stopped me...doing _what_ exactly? Grab the steering wheel? Punch him and get us killed?

I don't know what I wanted to do but seeing Effy's eyes, feeling her oh so soft hand hold mine made me calm down right away.

Thank god she's my calm anchor or we'd be dead right now. Fucking shit, my mum always tells me I'll get myself killed with my 'bad choices'. Like I choose to fucking try and grab the wheel!

He stops the car abruptly, making my head fall forward and it would have fucking hurt if Effy didn't pull me back. Twat.

"Sweet, here's my card. Tell a nurse to call me, I'll get you when you finished." He is surprisingly friendly to Effy, but when I see where his eyes are glued to I'd like to set his car on fire. Old fucking pervert.

I cant stand him watching her like this. He's leering and not even trying to cover it up, his head hasn't lifted since he started talking to her.

We're standing outside, Effy makes no move to actually take his card, her eyes are boring a hole into his head. In moments like this, I'd like to know what's going on in her head.

I snatch the card from his chubby fingers and he's shocked enough to finally look up. I shake my head, taking her hand I turn around and start walking up to the entrance but no without wrapping my arm around her shoulder.

She leans into me and her own hand snakes to my coat and circles my hips, pulling me into her.

Feels like we are completely in sync. It's weird.

Remembering the old pervert I turn my head back and see him staring at her arse._ I'll_ give him something to stare at.

Slowly, very slowly I bring my hand down, squeezing her butt and leaving my hand there, very comfortably to say the least. She's got an amazing backside, not just her wonderfully formed arse but her legs, ankles, and don't get me started on her back. I love it to watch her muscles flex when she's naked. Don't think there's anything more erotic than her naked body.

I wink at him and hear a chuckle from the girl in my arm, she knows exactly what I just did and she fucking enjoys it. Her own arm runs up my back, grabbing me by my ponytail she pulls me down and crashes her lips into mine. Isn't she amazing?

_Good god_, before I can grab her to pull her into me her lips are gone and she's smirking at me, dragging me by my hand to the entrance. From the corner of my eye I see her turn her head to the pervert and raise a brow, only the speeding off car is heard after that.

Situations like this make me wonder how Effy's been before it happened. Before 'the demons' as her mother calls them arrived and made her life living hell.

Had she been a flirt? An easy shag? Shy?

She still is, all of it but you know what I mean. Her personality must have changed through it. I don't think she's spend her life that nonchalant.

And the thing I wonder most about? Her voice.

A high pitched Britney voice wouldn't fit her. Would it?

A raspy rock star voice seems to be the best choice. It'll probably be completely different from what I imagine. Isn't it always?

"Are you Naomi?"

A older, smiling nurse walks out of the main doors and looks at me. They've probably given her a description, or at least told her to watch out for a brunette and a blonde with bandaged limbs. But I'm not half naked any more so it wouldn't help much.

"Yes. Do I have enough time for a smoke? My nerves are"

"Say no more darling. The doctor is still busy but you're next. I'll tell him to go and get a coffee. Why don't you come inside when you're finished? Or I'll pick you up if he's got no time to spare."

"Thank you, that'd be great."

With a smile she leaves us and I pat my coat pockets, cant find my pack.

Effy's got other ideas though. I'm about to ask her for a fag when she grabs me by my coat and turns me around, slowly backing me up until my back hits the wall.

I raise a brow with a chuckle but it dies in my throat when I see her eyes, they're almost black, the colour isn't visible any more. Her eyes are always fucking _magical_ but I love this look the most. The look telling me that she cant go on five more minutes without taking me against the next surface and make me groan like an animal.

Lets just say, the nice nurse wasn't nice any more when she found us around the corner with Effy wrapped into my huge coat while her hands played me like I was an instrument she fucking invented.

Sixteen stitches.

They are scattered all over my right thigh, and I'm told to let them be removed by my doctor. 'Never do it on your own, it'll have horrible consequences.' Heard it a thousand times before and I always oblige.

_Yeah right._

We cant get 'home' fast enough.

Effy cant get me home fast enough.

In the cab, with the old pervert driving again, she just cant keep her hands to herself and ends up on my lap. Thank god for anaesthesia or I'd be in tears now. She isn't heavy, the opposite really, but thanks to the not so friendly nurse, the cleaning ripped my wounds back open.

Homophobic bigot.

Not much to say about the night. We've spend it possibly in the best way; Effy was showing me that she actually _is_ in this too. Whatever _this_ is. Without words. But I understood everything she wanted to share.


	4. Katie changes lives

**_Wow! I'm thrilled you guys like the story and want to thank everyone for reading, sooo many hits in the traffic! Couldn't stop smiling! And the reviews, alarms, and messages :) Still speechless. _**

**_Had a few chapters already finished buuut a lot of you wanted to know more about the mental state of the girls so I re-wrote it. Sorry if it's a bit edgy but it was kinda rushed and I tried to keep a few things while adding others. _**

**_At least 3 reviews and I'll post the next chapter ;) more will make me write faster. _**

**_Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Katie Fitch :) _**

**_IwysAshes  
_**

* * *

_She was laughing like crazy at the trouble I'm in  
Her light eyes were dancing she is insane  
Her brother says she's just a bitch with a golden chain  
She keeps coming closer saying "I can feel it in my bones  
Schizophrenia is taking me home"  
_

* * *

I haven't had an idea how fast things could change. How much one sentence can change and how much of fucking _nothing_ we can do about it.

One sentence left a strangers lips and I stopped existing for Effy.

I still feel her eyes on me but she uses her super powers to avoid eye contact. Never been fast enough to catch her eyes and make her look at me. Make her see how much she kills me with her ignorance.

It happened two weeks ago, on Friday, the day after I fucked up my thigh. My shrink told me that Effy's gonna be the guide for the new girl, and he wanted me to help out because our crazy beauty isn't much of a talker.

Then he let it slip. He told me that before I even arrived, Effy's been gone for over two weeks with Cook. They've broken out of here, went away and no one knows how it happened but when Effy crashed a car into a wall she barged into the clinic and told everyone about it. She didn't stop talking right away, the silence reappeared a few weeks after.

Something inside of me flipped and I freaked out. Went all mental on Effy, fucked her against our bedroom door and didn't let her touch me. Pushed her head away when she'd tried to kiss me. Left her standing there with open trousers like a whore and lost it completely.

We made up that night. All night.

And then everything changed. From one second to another.

* * *

_It's around 3am and the door opens, our heads shoot up in panic of being caught naked and practically on top of each other. Effy didn't move away, whereas I've tried to hide into the wall she only crawled closer, resting an arm around my waist as if whoever walked in wanted to take me away. _

"_What the fuck do you want?" _

_This wide eyed expression belongs to the new girl. She's gaping at us and it takes me a minute to realise that we haven't covered ourselves up yet. I reach for the duvet and throw it over our naked bodies, my glare never leaving her in fear she might try to run and tell on us. _

"_Close the door, Jesus! Will you?" She's shaking her head and slams the door shut, probably alarming the whole ward with the loud noise. With a sigh Effy moves to her side of the bed, in case someone might come and check on us now, after hearing the bang. _

_I eye the girl again and wait for an explanation. "Why are you here? What the fuck do you want?" And she just walks to our bed and sits down with a grimace, knowing what we've been up to on this very sheets earlier. _

_"I...uh, wanted to check on you and see if you're all right. You've been pretty insane earlier. But, yeah, I think I've interrupted something. Something that's not allowed and besides, how can you even be together? Isn't that like screwing a rag-doll? I mean she doesn't speak or communicate in any way, so your practically fucking a living" _

_Seeing our shocked faces she freezes. "Did I, oh fuck it. What? I'm right." A look of disgust falls over my own face and I look at Effy, who's already got her wide eyes on me. "Oh, fuck no! Just ignore me, yeah? I talk bullshit and never think before acting so...I bet **it's** uh...lovely, really wonderful and you have your own way to communicate. It's probably really...uh... cute." _

_I rub my forehead, torn between slapping her and laughing because she's really flustered and looks kinda cute. Her faked smile is blinding us but her dimples show and that is seriously adorable. "Why don't you just go? I'm fine. I'll be as good as new, promise." I say with a chuckle and she stops the act. _

"_Really? You punched a glass door. Looked pretty awful." "That the reason why you jumped on my back?" _

_She's blushing, has got to be a pretty hard blush seeing as it's really dark in here. "Awe, are you blushing? My hero, you should get an medal for keeping me from jumping into the broken glass, not blush." Makes her blush harder. Cute. _

_From the corner of my eye I see Effy throw a jumper over her head, grab her fags and storm out of the room. My eyes follow her and I think I managed to do the unthinkable. _

_I've pissed off Effy. _

_I guess I must've spaced out because the new girl is waving her hand in front of my face. "You should go after your girlfriend. She's well pissy, fucking jealous if you ask me and if you want to get into her knickers ever again you should apologise." _

* * *

My pretty room-mate left me. She's just packed her shit and moved herself to a single room, just like that, without getting a permission from the workers or doctors because she's Effy and she doesn't need a permission for anything.

Katie fucking Fitch arrived and smashed my little, pretend-world on her first day.

She didn't do it on purpose, hates being the reason for my pain and for Effy's condition. She might not be to blame but it was her big mouth throwing the words at us after all . She feels like shit and like she's supposed to look after me now.

I'd rather have her look after Effy.

"Naomi? Did you listen to a word I've just said?"

Hank. My shrink. "No."

There's no need to lie, why should I bother? It doesn't matter anyway. He's sitting in front of me, annoying glasses sliding down his too big nose as he watches me. We have an e-meeting. I was done for the weekend but sadly my trip to the hospital yesterday night made him want to see me again before the weekend starts.

Friday morning,_ 8am_, way too early for that crap.

"Naomi, you've been here for quite some time now and it appears as if you don't take the treatment serious." He sighs his big, disappointed sigh and shakes his head. "I thought you knew better than that. I know you're a clever girl but I cant understand why you wont take the chances we offer."

I hold my decaf in one hand and a fag in the other, staring him in the eyes. With a shaking head the lighter is handed to me and I smile. "Thanks." I take a deep drag of my first fag for the day and a gulp of the horrible tasting wannabe coffee. "You were saying?"

"I was saying that you need to change your behaviour."

He averts his eyes, cant stand it to look at me for too long. "Well, isn't my 'behaviour' my illness doc? If I could turn it off, don't you think I'd have done it a long time ago?"

Maybe he sees that I'm honest, maybe he sees a hurting girl with a destroyed thigh, maybe even a destroyed heart. Maybe he sees right through me and knows I'm saying what he needs to hear to leave me alone.

"I know."

"No you _don't_. You don't know how it is to wake up and hate everything, _absolutely_ everything without a fucking reason. You don't know how it is to sit with your mates and tear the place down suddenly, because someone said the wrong thing. You don't know how it is when your mum is scared for and _of_ you. You don't know how it is to feel so much that it makes you go mad. You either fly high above everyone else or you are so deep beneath them that you cant see anything any more. You have no idea idea how empty one can actually feel, and how the emptiness makes it hard to breath. And you don't know how it feels to feel ALL of that in a matter of minutes. It makes you lose it."

I see a little smile on his fucking face before he pulls himself together and I scoff. Of course he'd be glad to hear that, so fucking predictable.

"You know that it wont stay this way forever."

"Yeah? What I know is that it _will_ always fucking stay this way. Wasn't it you? Showing me stupid documents and sciency stuff about studies on the topic? I'll always be a fucking freak needed to be locked away." And he shakes his head, writing another useless fact in his Naomi folder.

"You are seventeen, Naomi. The doctors call the time: the blooming years of a borderliner. Your hormones are all over the place, which is absolutely normal but it gets 50 times intensified through your condition. It will pass, just like the puberty passes."

This time it's my head that's shaking at his ridiculousness. "You're having a fucking laugh. How can you even compare it to puberty? You're out of your mind?"

And then he starts a fucking rant and I have no other choice but to slam down my mug on the table and walk to the door. "I'm not listening to that. Maybe _you_ should get and fucking special training to work with us."

He asks me to stay, says he's got something for me and then I have two books in my arms. 'I hate you-don't leave me' and 'sometimes I act crazy'. "I know the black and white one, my mum bought it when they first assumed I've got a borderline-personality disorder. But haven't read the second one yet."

He starts explaining how it might help me want to really take part in the DBT therapy.

"I know Hank, maybe your right. But when I sit with a fucking razor, knife, Cd, or whatever and my tension is by 80 I cant think of squeezing a fucking sand ball. Or do any other 'skills'. I'm too far gone by then."

Skills. That's part of the program; Dialectical behavioural therapy and it's bollocks. After I've had to go through almost fifteen test that took over two weeks I was officially diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. No doctor can diagnose anyone under eighteen, because of fucking puberty but my birthday is next month and I'm in therapy since I was eight that made the head of the clinic want to start the DBT.

It's got lots of different parts of a huge concept with single therapy, group therapy, self soothing (biggest bullshit I've ever heard of), meditating, and lots more.

But skills break my neck. We've got something like a chart, from 0 till 100. It's about the tension we feel. You need to think of my attitude as a door. This door is your tension level when something happens that makes your emotions explode. Lets say someone told you what a beautiful morning it is. You say yes or no. I hate mornings. Assume the person knows it and that they're asking me on purpose. Makes my blood boil. Everyone walks to the door, opens it, walks through and closes it again.

I don't. I run, head first through it.

And the skills are here to help calm down the tension when I feel it coming. Sadly it's not knocking either. A little thing, a glance, a word, a fucking smile lets me lose it and I'm from 50 (the usual tension a borderliner _always_ has) up to 80 and I'm on my way to do something about it.

A tension needs release. And the release is, in my case right now self harm. A common persons usual tension is about 05, and _never_ gets to 80.

They think they're out of their mind when it reaches 40.

It's making my mind explode. These intense feelings. Either good or bad.

I got a list of skills but am welcome to invent my own. Like, a little ball filled with sand, rice or other stuff you can squeeze. Or running up stairs. Or even playing drums. Whatever helps you release the tension but isn't harming you in any way. Getting pierced, tattoos or laying in the sun until you're burned isn't a release, it's just another way to harm yourself.

The only thing working for me, _sometimes_, is sex. Haven't had any in weeks. But I'm still learning, and my prior therapies have been shit, they weren't even calcified to work with someone with that condition and I was running wild.

A speeding car without a driver.

Hank pulls me out of my thoughts with his annoying, soothing voice. "Why don't you sit down, Naomi? I'd like to talk to you about Elizabeth."

Of course he would.

I feel the tension rising again, the anger boiling inside of me like I'm a freaking volcano ready to erupt and destroy everything around me. "Yeah? What's she got to do with anything?" If I were an animal, I'd be baring my teeth at the moment. But I'm not, so I'm just gripping the books and glare at him.

The thing is that there is just a good or bad. Nothing in-between. Black and white, no other colours with me. And if I let someone close, I'm addicted to them, depend on them with my life and live in constant fear of being left behind. Being left alone.

Effy's left me and I'm fucking dying.

No day has gone by without me needing to be brought to hospital because I managed to slice open some veins or needed the common stitches. It hurts so much, so fucking much that I need other pain to help me stand it.

Being ignored is one of the worst things that could happen to me. Love me, hate me, do whatever you want but never, never ignore me.

Don't get me wrong. I didn't try to kill myself. I don't think about that, right now I'm not suicidal but fucking close.

But even if she's left me, I cant let someone talk about her, let someone think bad about her or even try and criticise her. She cant fucking defend herself. Someone has to.

I can be pissed off as much as I want, yell and cry and fucking hate her because my heart hurts soo much but no one else is allowed to.

Fucking mental case, I am, right?

He's chuckling because he's had the same thought, I suppose. "Retract the claws, fighter. I just wanted to know how you manage without her."

The chair looks like the worst thing in the whole wide world, I know if I sat down, he would make me talk about it. Make me think about it. Make me see the truth and in the end I would spill the truth which can never happen.

"She isn't gone, only moved to another room." Is what I spit instead, turning away my head to hide tears I know will flow soon. Then my fist bangs on the door, I'm done with the session for today.

"Naomi, if you wont take the offered help this weekend and end up in the hospital again I'll be pushed to make some decisions. And before you bite my head off; yes, it is your illness but you have to try, it's what you're here for. You're right, it cant be healed but you can learn how to live with it. It's been going on like this for far too long and the head of the clinic is on my back."

Michelle opens the door from the outside with a confused face, probably wondering why I'm crying. She shouldn't be surprised, everyone cries from time to time after a session.

When she slips her key card through the slot and the green lamp shines I push the door open without glancing at her again and march to my room. Katie's on her bed with her mobile phone I taught her to smuggle inside.

She looks up at me and smiles, patting the spot beside her. After I kicked off my shoes I let myself fall into her waiting arms, resting my head on her legs as she runs her fingertips through my hair. She's got a calmness in her that makes me instantly relax and my heart starts to beat normally again.

Don't get me wrong, she's a force of nature but in moments when everyone is upset and hectic she's suddenly the easy sedative person, making me calm down.

It wasn't our idea for her to move in, the whole staff didn't want me to be alone, said I needed to be 'socialised' and couldn't be on my own. Pandora isn't a good choice, I love the girl but being in a room together? 24/7?

I'd kill her.

And sadly that are all the girls on our ward. Pandora, Katie, Effy and me. The others either moved to the open ward or were released but we're never much more patients. Mostly it's 5 boys and 5 girls.

Only Katie was available and she felt like it was her duty to be the best room-mate I could wish for. She's fun, really unbelievably funny and makes me laugh a lot. She's also the most annoying person in the world, making me want to kill her.

We're a good team.

She's hard like water you jump from a cliff into, and soft like the fur of a puppy. Haven't met a person with that much layers, faces or personalities.

Katie is schizophrenic and she was really glad that I didn't ask her how her other self's name is.

That's such a stereotypical thinking, saying people with schizophrenia have to be two persons in one body. Of course I didn't know all the details she's told me but at least she didn't kill me for being an idiot.

She's hearing things, has hallucinations and she cant make out what's real and what isn't. Like her past, she cant tell if what she remembers really happened or not. Sometimes when we have a nice day, maybe something interesting happened like a patient freaking out and I start talking about it on the next day, she doesn't remember. Or she remembers it in a completely different way.

She's living a very hard life.

Everyone stops hanging out with her, her mates turn their backs because they think she's a lying bitch when in truth, she just cant see the difference between what's real and what isn't. Her mind is playing tricks on her and makes her a very lonely, sad girl.

"You know how every child has a imaginary friend at some point in its life?" She asked me once and when I nodded she told me a horrifying story. "I've had a whole city around me, it never left."

And sometimes I catch her talking to someone when she's alone, and when she realises that no one is actually there she freaks. She starts banging her head on every surface she can find.

Her head always hurts, because it takes all her energy to concentrate and block out voices her mind lets scream at her. If she doesn't focus hard enough it happens that she starts yelling at people or punches them, who knows what she heard them saying?

She's come in contact with the coppers a lot over the years. Her illness helped her most of the times but when she almost killed a girl with a rock they've made her take part in a residential psychiatric treatment, or she'd have to go to jail.

Through the years she realised that her little world wasn't a nice place and it made her angry, so angry that she cant keep herself together when something happens. She stops thinking and like a bull sees red. Tunnel vision the call it and it's like a blackout for her. She opens her eyes at some point and sees what she's done, without having an actual memory of it.

She's a danger to others and to herself.

The gorgeous girl with the big, sad eyes is out of control and she's the one suffering the most because of it.

"Bad day?" Her raspy voice asks as her hand trails down my side in a comforting manner. I nod into her neck, wondering if that was supposed to happen.

If she had to be here, with me, _for_ me when Effy wouldn't. If destiny brought her here, even her flee attempt couldn't change it and I wonder if this was all suppose to be this way. Because as much as she's been a help to me the last weeks, I've brought her through some horrible days too.

It's a push and pull between us, two stubborn filled heads that run through walls. "Yeah. You too?"

She leans down and kisses my temple, nodding softly. The comfort she's giving me comforts her too, and we can be never sure who isn't suffering. "You miss her."

When I turn my body around to look up at her, look into her unbelievably bronze eyes, she doesn't look away like everyone else does. "It's killing me." And then I feel my eyes burn with new tears, and her fingertips trace the lines they run down until stopping at my lips.

Her thumb softly strokes my bottom lip while her eyebrows are knitted in concentration. Is she concentrating on something she thinks about? Or is she concentrating on my lips to know if I talk or if her mind is playing tricks?

Always makes me wonder when her eyes stare at me like this.

"Are you gay Naomi?" I didn't expect _that_.

Of all the possibilities what her mind would have her ponder about it is my sexuality? "I don't know."

I have never been in a situation where I needed to explain it, or think about it really. Effy's been the first girl I've slept with, but does it make me gay? Spending almost six months living with a girl, sharing clothes, food, drinks, fags, pills and the bed?

"Makes you _not_ straight." Happened again.

Happens all the fucking time. Something makes me voice my thoughts without meaning to when I'm near Katie. It's scary, who knows what I'll think next? "Do you have a problem with that?" She shakes her head lightly, never letting her eyes leave my face.

"Do you have a boyfriend waiting for you, Kay?" She shrugs, and I feel suddenly a very different kind of tension in the room. I shuffle a bit and hold up my body on my elbows, our heads are closer now and her breath hits my face.

I fucking hope I'm not misreading her signs because that'd be fucking embarrassing and horrible for our room sharing. But my eyes don't leave hers as I slowly close the gap, gently pressing our lips together and good god, she tastes like heaven.


	5. her voice is a gift from heaven and hell

**Hello hello, I couldn't type fast enough because you blew me away with all the nice reviews, pm's and alarms. Really, wow. Made me speechless so I thought; 'You don't need to speak, get on your laptop woman.'**

**Hope you like it, something huge happens. **

**Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you...thank you.. again. :) **

**Question: After you've read it, you have the option to vote for the next chapter. Would you like to see**

**A:Naomi back 'together' with Effy haing a talk and more**

**B: Naomi with Katie exploring their 'thing' further**

**C: All three together in an intense situation  
**

**D: Naomi introducing her girlfriend to her mum**

* * *

"Can I ask you something?"

Her brown eyes are looking everywhere but tries to avoid meeting mine with all that she has. She's nervous, leaning on the hallway wall with her hands in her pockets, barefoot, like always.

She's been running around screaming for a whole day when she arrived and was taken away her shoes. High heels. Apparently one could steel them and try to kill someone, or try to commit suicide. And because she's wearing nothing but high heels, stilettos or at least a bit of a heel, Katie ended up shoeless.

I'm sitting on the opposite wall, my legs stretched out in front of me and I raise my brows in question. She's shy today, the whole day she avoided any physical contact and averted her eyes when I looked at her. I didn't want to corner her or start a silly argument, sometimes people need their privacy and not everything is about me.

"Did you...have you been doing that with all the girls?"

I try to hide my grin, I really do but the question is such a pile of crap that I don't succeed and Katie huffs, crossing her arms in a defensive manner. "Why? You jealous Katie?"

This got her attention and she finally meets my teasing eyes. "Stop looking at me like that!" My grin only widens and then I have a lap filled with a scowling girl, straddling me. "Stop it Naomi!" I don't stop, rather push my hands under her amazing arse and steal a kiss from delicious lips that finally start smiling.

I've missed her smile. Missed her laugh. Her wholeheartedly laughing about bullshit we tend to talk about.

She has got this wonderful, infectious laugh where you cant stop yourself from falling to your knees and stare at her in awe. A beautiful gift in a place like this.

She sighs after we part and leans her forehead on mine as our eyes lock. "Where is this coming from? You know that Effy's been my first girl."

Her sad eyes narrow but I feel that I'm not the reason for it. With a groan she suddenly closes her eyes rubbing her temple in annoyance.

Some bitchy voice is telling her some bitchy thing I'm sure.

She's taking neuroleptics but they still haven't found the fitting and effecting dose she needs for the hallucinations to finally fuck off and leave her alone. Sleeping is pretty much what she's doing the whole day _and_ night. The meds wear her out and when she _is_ awake she's eating and stumbling around. Her body needs to familiarise itself with the new chemical stuff running through it and she is pretty out of it most of the time.

It seems that her head will explode any minute. Biting her lip so hard I'm scared she might bite it off in the end and her eyes are shut tightly. My finger stroke her face and start massaging her temples, the place I always see her rub on. She lets her head fall to my shoulder and sighs, wrapping her arms around my waist.

I hate seeing her like this.

Knowing I cant do anything to release her of the constant pain. "Cook's just said some stuff last night."

Of course he did. Stupid wanker. "He's nothing but a massive wanker, babe. Knows fuck all and thinks he's some kind of all knowing big shit. Don't worry about him."

One would think that Cook would be happy about Effy's sudden change of mind but he's been acting like a real twat for the past weeks. Over a month ago my pretty room-mate left me and he never lets a chance slip to rub it in my face and apparently his newest hobby is to play mind games with Katie.

"I know."

She's horribly exhausted. Her face is sodden and because of the endless hours she sleeps her eyelids are always swollen. The only glimmer of light is knowing it'll pass as soon as her body acclimatises to the pills.

I press my lips to her forehead and stroke her back, my fingertips tracing her spine up and down with gentle movements.

Her breath evens out and I know she fell asleep cuddled into me.

Isn't that just great? I'm sitting in the middle of the hallway with a sleeping girl in my arms. Deciding to give her a bit of time before walking to our room I lean my head against the wall and close my eyes, thinking of what I've got to do today.

Footsteps make me open my eyes and I look around. I raise my hand and am rubbing my face when a huge yawn leaves my lips. I must've fallen asleep.

When my head turns towards the sound which woke me I gulp and move my eyes from the shoes up the body walking towards us.

I'd always recognise these boots. These ripped tights. The shirts acting as dresses. The heavy silver necklaces and bracelets. As I my eyes reach her face I try not to show my sadness, not to show how much I'm still missing her, how much the bruises on her face upset me.

Lowering her head she eyes Katie who's still passed out and has not idea she's being seized up by the one and only person intimidating her. Automatically my arms tighten around the sleeping girl and I meet hard, cold steel eyes trying to kill me.

Usually I'd be over the moon to have Effy finally acknowledge my existence but this Effy isn't nice and loving, she's a bitch out to hurt me. Her head tilts to the side and a mean smirk appears on the lips I spend months worshipping. Her whole appearance says 'awe, isn't that cute?'

I've never wanted to slap the smirk off her face before but it makes me mad. She doesn't have the right to act like a sore girlfriend. She _left_ me. Packed her shit and moved to another room, stopped noticing me all together and made no attempts to change it.

I tried. God did I try but after being walked _and_ seen through so many times I couldn't keep trying. It was killing me slowly.

So no, she's got no right to behave like this. To look at Katie like she's some kind of joke just because she didn't have the balls to stay with me. "What is it Eff, did I stop being invisible?" It might be a bit mean and more hissed than whispered but I don't like the way she's watching us.

"Yeah." And the fucking smirk grows when she winks at me and starts walking towards her room again like she didn't just say a fucking word to me.

I'm terribly sorry but I really have to do that. My arms shake on a dopey looking Katie, needing her to wake up but she just grunts and buries her head deeper in my shoulder.

No. No. No.

All right. Think Naomi, _think_.

I collected all my strength and push myself to my feet, catching Katie's nice butt with one hand and her back with the other before marching to our room. Might not be the best, nicest, romanticist gesture but when I kick our door open I take three steps towards her bed and softly let her fall on top of it.

Turning around I grab my duvet, throw it over her and run towards the door as fast as I can. This situation cant wait. Effy _talked_. Well, she said 'Yeah' but that's more than I've ever gotten from her.

"Naomi? Where you going?" She asks. With closed eyes and a fucking cute pout she runs her hand around the bed, looking for me. When she finally gets that she's alone in the bed her arm waves me to her, reaching out in my general direction and I haven't seen anything that made my heart melt more in years. But melting hearts and cuteness or not; she fucking had to wake up _now_.

"Be right back. Sleep! I'll be back in a minute." I whisper over my shoulder and shut the door behind me.

My heart's pounding against my ribcage and it feels like it's going to break my bones and free itself as I wrench open Effy's door.

She's sitting on her desk, body turned towards me and a knowing expression on her face. She knew I'd be in here as fast as I could. She fucking knew I'd abandon Katie and run to her right away.

Am I really that predictable? Or is she that manipulative?

"Eff" My voice almost breaks.

Not knowing what to say my shoulders slump and I feel my eyes begin to water. Angrily I rub under my eyes and glare at her smirking face. She's having a fucking laugh, enjoys seeing me run to her like a fucking puppy after its master. "Why are you doing that?"

She bites her lip and frowns slightly, debating on something while I stand by her door, sniffing and ready to break down in tears.

It's taken a huge toll on me, this emotional roller-coaster that she is and having her fuck with my head is the last straw I needed to lose my strength. "What _am_ I doing Naomi?"

Maybe it's the way she looks at me, like she wants me to read her again and see how sincere she is. Or maybe it's the way my name sounds coming from her lips. Whatever it is has made me move my feet and come to an halt in front of her with tear filled eyes and a trembling body.

And then she's embracing me, wrapping her whole body around me like many times before she lets me cry while she whispers sweet comforting words in my ear.

I clung to her like I'm drowning, needing her to keep me above the hungry waves trying to pull me down. And she lets me. More so, her arms have circled my body and pull me even closer, that tiny bit closer.

Sobbing like a little child, haven't done that in years but it's the first time that I don't care about it. Don't care about appearing weak, or lame, or even fucking crazy because when her amazing voice keeps saying soothing things in my ear it's both hell and heaven. And I've never been happier and sadder at once.

I haven't realise that she must've moved us to the bed, it dawns on me for the first time when her door opens after someone knocked a few times. We look up from our cuddled position, yet it are only our heads that moved, the rest of our bodies stays entwined.

The pretty girl lays against the wall and I'm on my side, cuddled into her side with my head resting between her shoulder and chest. One arm is protectively around my midriff, the other glides through my hair with a familiarity that's breaking my heart. Ever so often Effy's lips press against a random part of my head, face, body she can reach without moving.

Michelle is standing in the doorway with a knowing smile and relief in her eyes. "Sorry to interrupt but you're late. You coming for tea girls?"

We don't really have a chance, the meals are obligatory and we need to attend even when we're not hungry. It's about discipline and teaching us to live in a regulated daily routine.

Effy wouldn't stand up and go have tea, even with a worker reminding her but I always try to stay out of trouble and when I start getting to my feet she joins me. With a nod and grateful smile Michelle leaves, she probably needs to get some others that are sleeping or busy.

A warm hand slides effortlessly in mine and I don't question it. We make our way through the hallway to the set table and I can hear the whispers around me. Harsh hissing whispers from my right, surprised high pitched whispers from my left. But for the first time in a month they don't matter to me, they don't bother me.

They can whisper all they want, make up rumours even snap at me directly, but I don't there's anything that could be more important at the moment than the gentle hand holding mine.

When we reach the table and I take my old seat beside Effy after Panda rushed to find another one I sigh, content.

There is always a moment you remember, a moment when everything went tits up and you couldn't do anything about it.

And you feel it before it happens, but suddenly you open your eyes and see that maybe, maybe it's not really fucked up but different. When changes scare you, when changes make it hard to breath and when changes throw you off balance you cling to what you know.

So when Michelle helps a stumbling Katie into the room to the free seat next to Panda and you see her beautiful eyes try focusing and look for you in confusion; You feel like a real wanker.

Not only did I threw her away like a fucking burden, lied I'd be right back and never did, I also let her swamped, confused mind tell her fucking mean things as she watches me with Effy. I can see it in her eyes, how she tries to hide the pain in her head with furrowing her brows and clenched teeth.

While I sit and observe her for a sign that she might lose it and explode to help her, she's probably hearing nasty, horrible and untruth things. I hate what this is doing to her and want to walk over to comfort her and reassure her that everything's fine.

But I cant.

I cant because there are lips on my ear, whispering softly and kissing it before Effy moves her head away again. And then there is a hand is holding mine on top of the table, for everyone to see, but more importantly holding me in place. "Relax Naomi, she's fine."

I turn to Effy and smiling lightly I muster her. Her eyes dance in delight, and then something happens I never thought was possible; a beautiful giggle leaves her lips.

Everyone stops talking and their eyes are on her instantly, but she doesn't care. She never does. Never did. Never will I suppose. She winks at me before all emotions leave her face and she stars blankly at her audience until they avert their eyes.

"All right, calm down please. Everybody calm down." Michelle interrupts the endless chatting, clapping her hands. "Our evening reflection starts right now. Who'd like to start? How about you Pandora?"

Pandora speeds into a fully detailed description of her day and for the first time ever I don't have the urge to push her head into the toilette until she shuts up. "And then I met Tommo outside, the super lush black boy" A round of laughter interrupts her and she stops confused, but the smile never left her face. Bless her.

No one wants to explain what's so funny, they always do that. Making fun of Pandora is a bit of a hobby for some, childish little brats. My heart swells when Katie raises her hand and shows Cook and his mate what she thinks of him before addressing Panda with a doped smile. "Ignore'em Panda-Pops. We don't say black guy, that's politically incorrect. And Cook? He's a wanker, only a wanker would call his fucking little finger cock the Cookie Monster."

It's the way she waves Cook dismissively away and doesn't care at all if everyone hears her or not that makes everyone break out in laughter. Drunken thoughts sober thoughts right? And she's talking a really cute drunk, with half closed eyes and wildly gesturing hands.

"Thank you Katie for your lovely input. Pandora would you like to continue?" Michelle tries to suppress her grin but cant and Cook jumps to his feet, angry like the fucking psycho he is.

"She don't get to insult me and get away with it just because she's drugged to her eyeballs yeah? And you shouldn't fucking laugh you're a worker, ain't ye? Act like it and tell the fucking little bitch to apologise or I'll show her exactly what my_ little finger cock_ can do! Maybe she'll stop crewing Blondie's brains out then, yeah? Win win me thinks."

Quite.

Quietness has its good qualities. You can be own your own, get lost in a book or music and think, think all you want without being interrupted. You can be with your partner and enjoy being together.

But quietness has also really bad qualities.

It's paralysing you when everybody eyes you in wonder, suspicion, anger, disgust, or in malicious pleasure. When you know that everything is over and you cant do anything about it.

"Dont be stupid Cook!" Pandora exclaims disgusted. "Naomi's always telling me all about her boyfriends and that's not gay!"

His filthy laugh made everyone look away, fucking awful minutes but they don't stare at me any more. It's too uncomfortable.

I think all blood has left Katie's face, she's never been paler but her eyes are boring into me. Begging me to do something. But _what_? I cant do anything. I'm barley here, Effy's hand holding mine on the table, is the only thing keeping me from passing out.

"You think Panda? What, you think Effy and Blondie just stopped being mates? Remember that, my sexy little monkey, after a friendship ends there's war, yeah? After a fucking break up there's silence." He laughs again and turns his head to me, pouting. "Was I the only one who saw Naomi's heart fucking breaking? And now look at them...Katiekins all by herself and Neffy back in pure sexual bliss." He shakes his head in mock disappointment or maybe he actually is surprised no one knew about us.

He points at us with a shaking head. "Just fucking look at them!" Michelle finally regains back the control over her body and walks to Cook with a disapproving expression. "James, that's enough. Sit back down and stop this nonsense." "I'm only saying" "You've said _enough_!"

His face reddens and his nostrils flatter in anger. God he's such an animal. "Yea don't think so sugar tits, we was to reflect here, yeah? Lets fucking reflect why no one bothered to stop them! It's fucking bang to rights and everyone closes them fucking eyes! Why? Huh? Why get the bitches to munch away and Blondie banging the next girl and I'm the wanker here?"

Michelle signals for another worker to join this lovely conversation while I still am fucking frozen. My eyes snap to Katie the moment she opens her mouth though. "Stop barking you stupid little dog. She's not into you, move the fuck on and stop harassing people!"

I wonder if it's only me who's confused what the fuck she's talking about. "Katie is right, her language may not be the nicest but no one is looking for trouble James. Why don't you just go to the gym and return after you calmed down? We can have a chat later, everyone involved but not like this, and not at this table."

Her tone is warning him, between the lines she's giving him the last chance to give in before he'll be brought to the 'calm room'. Thankfully his clouded mind registered it and he kicks his chair away before turning to Katie. He slides his disgusting arm around her shoulder and whispering so fucking loud that everyone can hear him. "She'll never be fully yours, ya know that, don't you Katiekins?"

"Hands off her, Cook!"

He's just as surprised about me finding my voice as I am, but seeing his disgusting arm around her slender, intoxicated body makes me sick. He glares at me, his eyes shooting daggers at me but knowing him, knowing what makes him explode I smile right in his dirty face.

I think he was about to jump on me when Freddie and two securities grabbed him and walked him out of the room. Fucking prick.

And then a beautiful sound echoes through the halls, a sound made by the gods. Katie's thrown her head back and she's laughing like she's just witnesses the best comic scene ever. She looks breathtaking, she looks free and I cant help it, the laughter just bursts out of me.

The atmosphere changes completely and everyone's giggling or fully on laughing. Even Michelle joins in with her cackling. When I turn my head to Effy she's looking weirdly at me, like she sees me for the first time.

I raise my brow in question but she bites her lip, shaking her head before pulling herself together and putting her mask back over her face.

Hiding behind her smirk. "don't worry, I am fine."

I nod, feeling her nails dig painfully into my palm I know that she is lots of things but not fine.


	6. Open a door another one closes

_**Uhm, wow. Hi everyone! You blew me away with your reviews and PM's. So glad you like it or at least try not to hate it. The vote was a tie between Effy and Katie, so I just made it a long chapter and did both. **_

_**Keep the reviews coming, I've tasted blood now and you spoiled me, so don't stop ;) **_

_**Here comes a really eventful morning for Naomi. Next chapter : Welcome Emily Fitch. **_

* * *

I tiptoed into our room as stealthy as possible, don't want to wake dearest Katie from her dreamless slumber.

The moment always comes. Mostly when you're a drunk teenager trying to sneak back in long after your curfew. You try, you really try not to make any noise but you _always_ slam in a dresser, over shoes, up the stairs or stub your toe somewhere, and of course you curse from the unbelievable pain you think you're feeling. But it's probably always the knowledge you woke the whole house that's making you curse. "Fucking shite, ouch."

Turning around with some difficulty from being knocked out by strong meds Katie stirs. "Naomi? Come'er." And she sounds so lovely that my feet move of their own and before I can comprehend what's happening I've joined her under the covers and am wrapping my arms around her.

Katie is a warm-sleeper. Whereas I always needed to warm up Effy, she's ice cold, the girl in my arms is a freaking human heater. It's calming and lovely, _everything_ about her is absolutely lovely, I cant deny that.

"You've been with her." She murmurs in my neck, sleep still evident in her husky voice. With a sigh I nod my head and kiss her head, stroking her sides softly. Cant deny that I've been in Effy's room, why should I lie? "Why are you always staying with her? Every night?"

"I'm not." She shuffles around and ends up hovering above me, looks deeply in my eyes with a slight frown and my finger moves between her eyebrows, softly rubbing the wrinkles away. "Dont lie." Her face leaves mine and she's looking off into nothing. "Since she started talking to you a few days ago you haven't spend a whole night in our room. You know, I can smell her on you."

This time _my_ brows furrow. She can smell her on me? Is this like, a hormone a female sprays on her 'partner' to make it known they're taken? A bit crazy, what she's saying. "You what?" "She's using Armani. When I walk into the smoke room five minutes after she left I can _still_ smell her." Her voice sounds far away like she's reliving the moment. "My favourite smell. Thought you started wearing it until my fucking foggy mind let me add two and two together." I bite my lip, not knowing what to do or say so I just keep stroking her back.

"You _do_ know she's manipulating you, yeah?"

Do I?

I know that the girl helping me through the most intense time of my life got scared. I know that the truth hurts, listening to someone, a _stranger_ say that she's nothing but a fucking rag-doll kills a person. I know that she stopped being selfish and moved to her own room to let me make my own choices. And I know that it's killing her because as much of a help she's for me, I've been her rock for almost 6 months too. I know that she spend every night we were apart at the hospital. I did too but we were never at the same time there.

The only thing holding the demons a bay for Effy is sex. And if to start talking was her crying for help, I really couldn't ignore it, could I?

So yes, I know that she's manipulating me, but I also know she isn't doing it because of anger or being mad. She's doing it to protect herself, and me too. "Of course I know that, Katie. But it's not that simple."

I almost cant stand the intensity of her look, she's mulling something over and like everything else coming from Katie's mouth it will hit where it hurts. "But isn't there only two sides to everything? Good or bad? Black or white? Nothing in-between?" My silence is enough for her and a knowing look appears on her face. "She is everything, isn't she?"

She sits up, maybe she cant stand being that close to me any more or maybe hovering for ages isn't comfortable. "I thought this could...I don't know...go somewhere..you and me...thought we could try and see if perhaps...I don't know...something beautiful could come from all of this." I see her fighting against voices in her head, they are louder when she's upset. They are always there but with the drugs she's taking they're are only whispering. When something upsets her, makes her mad or sad they get louder and her face shows the agony of it.

"It _can_." She cant open her eyes at the moment, she'd just scream the place down from the pain and annoyance, but her brows raise and a small smile plays around her heavenly lips. "I never said it couldn't. I've just...never been with a girl. Together I mean. In a relationship but Katie you're gorgeous and you have got the purest heart, everyone would be a right twat not to try their best to make you happy." My hand goes to her head and I absently rub her temple, like I always do when she's in pain.

"Effy would kill me." She hisses through gritted teeth. Never seen anyone in so much pain smile before. It is a good sign, isn't it? That I can make her smile, even in her worst times? "Yeah probably." I chuckle when her eyes shoot open and she winces. "But she'll manage. You really think you wanna do that?"

Maybe she' calmed down but suddenly her frown transforms in a grin and she nods. "Yeah, sure. Why not?"

Then I see it.

Her carefree smile and loving eyes show me exactly what this is and I shake my head in wonder. I haven't realised before.

Because Effy, Effy is safe. Sounds fucking strange and these two words together shouldn't make sense but she _is_ safe. Her changing our pills to get high is fucking _safe_. Her talking to manipulate me is fucking _safe_. Her unbreakable need to die is _safe_. Her indifference is _safe_. Everything about Effy is _safe_, everything that's appearing to be dangerous is _safe_.

There is no chance for us to ever be _anything_, anything real outside of this building. No way we'd ever be 'free' at the same time and meet up to run off into the sunset together.

But Katie, this loving, gorgeous girl fighting her way out of mean voices and never existing pasts is taking her meds.

She takes her meds.

She fights with all her strength to get better, to find the most effective dose that'll let her live a fucking life she deserves. She takes her meds to stop being dangerous for others, to never hurt an innocent person again.

To me she is dangerous because chances are good that we _could_ be together, even after this. Looking at her I know she'll somehow manage. She'll manage to work her amazing butt off in this shithole and get out stronger and better than ever. She takes all of this as serious as everyone should because she wants her condition to change. She wants a life. A happy, healthy life and to a dream life of a teenage girl belongs love. She wants to love and be loved.

"I always thought you weren't...uh...very enthusiastic about us, seeing as we've never...you know." First there's confusion on her face when I stutter nervously what I've been wondering for quite some time now, then wonder and in the end she breaks out laughing like she's heard a very confusing joke. "Nice you're not taking the piss or anything." I glare and try to push her away but her arms embrace my fleeing body before I can move. "No, that's just such a bullshit." A gentle kiss is placed above my eyebrow. "I wasn't 'enthusiastic' because I couldn't keep my eyes open for longer than ten minutes. Don't think I didn't want to bang you the first time I saw you."

She wanted to 'bang' me. _Lovely_. Told you everything about her is lovely.

"And when was that, exactly?" I whisper and my hands reach for her to pull her in. With a giggle she lands on top of me, with a beautiful giggle and very happy eyes. I lean up and press my lips to hers, softly pulling her closer and hoping I'll be able make her giggle and her eyes shine for a long time.

The kiss stops sooner than I hoped, and she shakes her head with a tiny, remembering smile. "When you stormed into our group session and demanded Effy'd come to your room. You were sooo fucking mad, Naomi, I thought you'd spit fire if she didn't move. Everyone exhaled when she followed you. That was pretty hot." When my lips try finding hers again she moves out of my reach with a teasing smile. "No. There are rules, Naomi."

With a groan I let my hands fall from her and roll my eyes. Rules? Really? Maybe she'd like to set up a contract, I know a pretty good lawyer.

"Rules? Don't know if you're aware but making out with your room-mate isn't allowed _now_ and it wasn't allowed _weeks_ ago." I may have snapped at her, grumbled like a child that's not getting what it wants but that's blatantly happening. I want her, now. And she keeps telling me that she wants to try, yet wont let me kiss her. Bit fucked up and makes me mad. Her laughing at me isn't helping to get me in a better mood. She seems to realised that and at least tries to suppress her laughter. "Oh, no, you're really mad, yeah? Look, as long as you're doing Effy, I cant. Simple as that."

She wants me to do what, choose? It's confusing. I haven't been in this situation before, never had to make decisions for a girl, or boy. Well, never been in a serious relationship to begin with. That's new and I really don't know what she expects me to do. What is expected to be done in my position? What is expected from me? Sure, we get on like a house on fire but this is new territory. "You want me to choose?" I ask in surprise, intently watching for her reaction to give me a clue but there isn't one. She just keeps meeting my eyes with an open, honest expression. "Like, would you like me to go and meet her to tell her it's over? Or do you just want me to stop hanging out with her, perhaps?"

This puzzled rubbish questions I just word-vomited seem to be good, because her eyes soften and she brushed her lips on my forehead in a loving, gentle kiss. My eyes close immediately and a content sigh leaves my throat when I feel the tenderness radiating from Katie. "You've never been in a relationship, yeah?"

Her voice lost all its teasing and and was replaced by adoration. I'm coming to realise that Katie might have twenty different attitudes, yet I've never seen her be this kind to anyone other than me. She is by far the kindest, loving person I've met in a long time, and she happens to have a killer bum I just love to touch. And don't get me started with her tits, every time when I helped getting her in bed when the meds knocked her out, I had to use all my willpower not to do anything one shouldn't do to a sleeping girl.

She has an amazing body. I'm no expert, Effy is the only comparison I have and they are as different as two girls could be. Whereas Effy's angular body is unhealthily scraggy and scarred, Katie would might be considered 'oversized' in our size zero world. She isn't, she's got a healthy curvy body, with perfect proportions and such a warm, soft skin. She's got scars as well, but not in Effy's standards. Effy's eyes could kill and bring one alive at the same time, yet there are no other eyes as empty as hers. Katie's eyes are wide open, excited for the world and fighting to live in it with so much passion and strength it takes my breath away. Seeing her look at me with such a loving expression is new, no one's ever looked at me like this.

It is wrong, to compare them, it's probably the biggest mistake but it happens automatically. I don't think that these two will ever get along, too much differences and too much similarities keep them from trying. And the fact that Katie is terribly intimidated by Eff, something inside of her is scared of my pretty friend, is a pretty good clue too. Of course Effy too, kissed me gently and lovingly, touched me with overloading emotions and passion. But we always have the distant feeling of tragedy surrounding us. Perhaps because we know it could never work. That is the biggest and most important difference between the girls. Katie's touch feels like hope, like something good will happen. I don't feel scared of death when I'm with her. I don't have the feeling to protect myself from coming too close because she might die. I worry about different things, but not death. And the other things? Katie's baggage? I'm excited to be around watching her get better, to be with her and support her fighting her battles.

Effy has always felt like she's already the past because I never knew how much longer she'll be here.

Katie feels like the future. A future I'm gagging to see, if it's as her girlfriend or only a friend doesn't matter. Future on its own sounds brilliant and makes me excited, an emotion I didn't think was possible for me any more. To be excited for what life will show me. "Dont worry, love. I wont be a demanding, horror girlfriend. But I cant be with you knowing she's touching you, kissing you. You need to think about it, if you're ready to stop playing around and if you really want to try this, Naomi. I'm not the type to give up on a relationship because it doesn't work out like I wish it would. I'm someone working on and for it, and I don't want to have this childish on/off TV- bollocks everyone is doing. Don't like these half arsed attempts."

I'm staring at her in wonder and she raises her brow, silently asking why I act like the sun shines out of her arse. "That's exactly what I've never wanted. The back and forth, hot and cold, make up break up. Always thought they just don't wanna be single and are staying with whoever until the next, better choice arrives. 'Everyone's the one, until otherwise proven'." She smiles at me, her lovely, soft, heart-melting smile that lights up _my_ whole face.

When we heard horribly loud e-guitar tunes coming from the hallway our moment was ruined and we groaned. Katie hid her head behind my shoulder, almost crawling between me and the mattress while I grabbed the pillow and tried to suffocate myself with it.

Our new worker Kyle likes to wake us with his stupid guitar. Don't get me wrong, I love playing and listening to someone playing the guitar but that is not playing. He's randomly hitting notes, loud, waking the whole building. It takes over ten minutes until he stops, perhaps one of the yelling teenagers ran out and smashed his head with the instrument?

Then Katie comes out of her hiding place and grins at me, still above me but now she's laying on top of my body. I like that. She leans down and kisses the corner of my mouth softly and my hand reaches around her neck and I pull her in, stealing a real kiss. She's laughing into my mouth, totally ruining my romantic gesture and with one last, soft peck she gets to her feet and rummages through her dresser for clothes.

I am nowhere ready to get up, haven't slept more than an hour tonight so I fight my way over to my own bed and flop down on it. My eyes close instantly and I reach for my duvet, covering my body with less movement possible.

Our dour opens, I guess Katie is walking to the staffs room for her 'shower basket' which holds everything we're not allowed. We get it every morning, and can take showers, shave our legs and clip our nails or whatever. Then we need to give it back and they examined it, making sure we didn't nick something to harm ourselves later.

Without a warning a soft body lands on my back, wrapping itself around me and bombarding me with Armani. Soft lips brush over my eyebrow before she sighs and makes herself comfortable on top of me. My right arm reaches out for her and when I feel her hand close to mine I entwine our fingers, bringing them to my face and kissing her knuckles. "Morning." She moves her head a little until her lips touch my ear when she answered. "Morning baby." It's cold, her body stealing all the warmth so I tug on the duvet, signalling she needs to fucking move and get under it not above. Groaning she pushed herself up and waited for me to pull the duvet away before she landed back in the same position.

She covered both of our bodies with it and snuggled into me. "We need a shower." She informs me with a kiss to my head. "Uh huh." But I don't make any indications of actually wanting to get up, no, I just keep laying where I am, unbelievably comfortable under Effy's pretty body. I enjoy the random kisses she's placing wherever her lips reach without moving too much until a thought pops into my mind. "Katie wants me to be her girlfriend, I think."

I don't know what I expected. Perhaps her stilling her movements in shock? Or at least stopping for a moment to take the information in. Or wanting to talk about it. But this is Effy, she never does what anyone expects her to. She keeps planting short kisses on my neck, cheek and head. "Did you hear what I just said?" With a groan she stops assaulting my neck and nudges me. "Budge up."

I turn around and make room for her, crawling to the wall I place myself on my side and Effy mirrors my position, meeting my eyes. We are impossibly close, it is a twin bed after all, and she presses her lips to mine for a moment. Her hands sneaks across my belly to the small of my back, resting there and her head lays on her other arm. I push up into her when her tongue meets mine, clinging to her barley there clothes, as we lazily kiss. We are knackered, absolutely in no condition to take this any further than snogging otherwise I wouldn't allow it to happen here. My leg curls around her waist on its own and my fingers stroke softly through her mane while she pulls me that much closer. "So?"

She opens her eyes and they bore deep in my soul, searching for something. "Are you her girlfriend then?" Confusion washes over me. Why is she asking? I just told her that...Katie wants me to be her girlfriend. Of course. This is Effy after all. "No not yet." She liked my answer, her lips are on my neck in a flash and she hastily runs them all over it, variates between kissing, biting, sucking and licking. She's driving me absolutely crazy with her talented mouth and I'm glad my leg is already in the perfect position as I start grinding into her hip, panting and explaining our situation. "Wants me to stop 'doing' you first." She squeezes herself impossibly close to me, stretching out her legs so my free thigh can finally push into her wet cunt. We find a rhythm, me pushing down into her and grinding against her hip and her doing the same just adding more pressure to her hips movements, creating more friction while she fastens her pace. _Jesus_.

My hand stops clinging to her clothes, rather pushes the 'dress' up and sneaks to her front palming her tit. She hisses into my neck and then her lips are pressing into mine, penetrating my mouth with her tongue yet when I flex my thigh at the right time she freezes and puffs of hot breath is all I feel. I have to be fast now, if I want her to cum so I slam my thigh a few times hard into her and then struggle to bring my hand between our bodies and cup her through her knickers. Pushing them aside I plunge two fingers into her and hold her clit between my thumb and finger, softly circling and pinching it while my tongue keeps on massaging hers. She comes alive again and moans lightly into my mouth, breathing heavily through her nose she slams her hips down on my hand. My free hand moves around her body until it lands on the back of her head pulling her closer I groan when she starts making rapid movements with her hip I'm still grinding into.

I snatch my head away, panting and fighting for breath and when my eyes meet hers again she completely freezes and I see every possible emotion in her blue orbs. Seeing Effy cum is something beautiful poets will write poems about, and scientists will try to explain for thousand of years. And when her eyes look so deeply into mine, telling me things I never asked for she throws me off the edge with her thumb circling my clit and I cant remember when that happened. Must've moved her hand when I was engrossed in watching her beautifully explode.

We pant and stare, not moving an inch of our sweaty bodies we just enjoy the after glow, the bliss after you've jumped head first over the edge and flew away. When our breath evens out Effy leans forward, softly pressing her lips to my forehead before leaning on it with her own. "Eff" " "huh?" I snuggle in her side, burying my head in her shoulder and the bed. "I could have a real relationship with her. Perhaps a future? Who knows. There are possibilities, you know?" I feel like I need to explain what happened, like I need to make her see why I'm doing it. Whatever it is I am doing.

"Perhaps it wont work?" Her words don't hurt, because there's no malice, she's just voicing other possibilities. It's visible that she cares, that it hurts her and that she's grasping what she can. I reach forward and stroke a lock out of her face, tracing her eyebrow and jawline with my index finger. "I need to try it babe." She tries to look away but I hold her face in place, cant have her shut me out now. "It feels like I would really regret not giving it a shot."

She's about to say something when the door opens. Katie's back. "Uh...didn't you want to take a shower? Breakfast is almost ready and they wont let you any more...later." She's always terribly nervous when Effy's around, stuttering and fidgeting she cant meet her eyes. The pretty girl turns her head around to Katie and glares at her. "Why don't you go get breakfast then?" Now there's malice in her voice and she's spitting poison in Katie's direction, even I'd be scared of her if she looked at me this way. I guess it's understandable. I just told her that whatever it is we're doing needs to stop because I want to be with Katie and then she walks in. Of course Effy's upset and mad, I cant blame her. Any other situation where she treated her this way I'd stop her, or tell her to leave Katie alone but I cant hurt her more than I already do.

Instead I wrap my arm around her hip and pull her into me, reminding her to stay calm and not to jump at the other girl. When I'm spooning her my eyes meet Katie's and I'm torn between wanting to hug the poor, nervous, intimidated girl and staying here with Effy, comfort her until I know that she'll be okay. I raise my brow and indicate that Katie should leave the room, I still need time with Effy. Cant just throw the information at her and kick her out. No idea if Katie got the message but she walks to her dresser, gets her fags and leaves without glancing in our direction once.

Effy doesn't turn around straight away, her whole body tensed when Katie entered the room and now she's trying to get her breathing under control. I really think she was never this upset before about someone and it confuses her, and me.

Then she untangles herself from my body and climbs out of the bed, looking around with eyes that take in how the room looks now. How it looks without her in it. With a sigh and a shaking head she turns back to me, leans down to press a hard kiss to my forehead. "Take care of yourself, will you? Don't forget to take care of _yourself_ because you're busy looking after her." Now her lips meet mine, just as hard and it's breaking my heart because she's hurt, in pain I'm the cause of. "Happens fast if you don't watch out. Love, Naomi, love will break you and I really hope it's worth it." When she brushes her lips against mine in a slow kiss my hand reach out and pulls her in, back down on the bed, beside me and I wrap myself around her.

Cant let her go. "Naomi" But I don't let her speak, she's about to say another good-bye thing I hate that, hate hearing that out of her mouth that stopped its silence because of me. "Naomi stop" My hands work each their way up an down her body, groping and stroking the skin they find. "Sweetheart you need to stop."

To keep her from talking I kiss her, slowly, slowly like I've never kissed her before and after a bit of struggling she lets herself get lost in the most beautiful kiss the universe has ever created. The saltiness makes it beautiful, beautiful like a tragedy opening our hearts and breaking them at the same time. "Last time, Eff. Please."

I beg. I beg with my hands resting motionless on her tit and knickers because I need her to let me do it, need her to know she's let me do it and what it means. I've never begged before, never had to beg Effy because she loves it, everywhere and any time but this is different.

When I felt her head nod I crashed out lips together and now I watch her, watch her laying on her back and writhing beneath me, beneath my fingers and lips and I don't throw the covers over us. I need to see it all. I need to be ready to give up on this perfection and trade it for magic and dreams. Tears are visible in her huge, beautiful eyes when she cums after I've finally allowed her to let go. Knowing that this is the last time I couldn't just screw her through the bed, I prolonged it as much as possible, saving the images in my head forever.

Suddenly she sat up and I'm straddling her thighs, gasping when she entered me I move my hips in sync with her deliberate slow, hard, deep thrusts. Her eyes never leave mine, and she pinches my neck every time I close my eyes. I'm not the only one savouring the moment.

She wont let me cum, every time I'm almost there she slows her pace again, deliberately bringing me down again and starting again from the beginning. My whole body is sweating and I'm a second away from yelling at her to do something, _anything_ when I see unshed tears well up in her eyes again. She fucked me like she loved me. Jesus, this morning was heart-aching and the sex was the most intimate I've ever been to anyone. She ripped me open and showed me everything she was feeling and so much more. She was making love to me, showed me what she couldn't say and I'll punch the next person saying she doesn't feel anything.

Without much thought I curl my hand around her neck and pull her close, hugging her I kiss her head lovingly. It's too much for her, just when I hear a sob escaping her she grabs my back with her free hand and throws me on the mattress. Restlessly she slams into me, faster and faster until I scream, cry and cum like never before. Yes, she fucked me like she loved because nothing is ever just soft with Effy, she tries to break it. Letting me see everything, all good and bad, all the love and all the anger she opened herself up to me.

We look into each others eyes and nothing but our heavy breaths is heard while we read each other.

She fights for breath the same I do when I pull her down, let her crash into me and shower her with kisses. "That...was...heartbreaking." I pant between kisses.

She pulls her head away to watch me. "It is a heartbreaking morning."

"Is it?"

"Mine's breaking." She whispers with such an open expression I didnt think was possible for her.

"A broken mirror cant break again, Eff."

"No. But just because I am broken doesn't mean my heart cant break, love."

I have to look away, cant keep seeing her slowly breaking in front of me. "You'll be fine." I snap my eyes to hers in horror. "Right?"

After she kissed me again I shiver when seeing her blank face again, seeing her mask and shutting me out, shutting everything out. "Sure. Lets go get breakfast."


	7. Do you wanna watch me cry?

_**Hello lovely people, sorry it took that long to update. Dont really have a good reason, besides being busy looking for a new guitar for my birthday. :D Snapped my Guitars neck, it's insured and all but my family wants me to be all happy on my bday and I'm getting a new one. yay. Anyone check out the gibson signature joan jett melody maker? Cant order it anywhere :( Probably a good thing because there's like 100 better guitars and I'd buy this one just, well because I adore this woman. **_

_**Thanks again for the reviews and fav's, alerts (I almost died of excitement seeing the new followers) ;) **_

_**Not really sure about this chapter...some girls will leave the madhouse soon. think maybe after the next chapter  
**_

_**Welcome Emily Fitch**_

* * *

Sunday.

Sunday _morning_ to be precise.

Sunday morning while I'm still trying to sleep after falling finally back into bed after breakfast, had a really long night.

Someone was holding me up, didn't let me sleep and now this someone is shrieking like in a movie _about_ a freaking madhouse while I try get rid off these horrible images my dreams threw into my mind. Effy slitting her throat, Effy beheading herself, cutting off her hands and bleeding to death. Since she was taken to the hospital almost two weeks ago we didn't hear anything from her. She could be dead and I wouldn't know.

"Naomi! Sweetheart open your eyes, I know you're awake, you stopped breathing." My feet are pulled on and I dig my nails into the duvet, knowing well enough it will be yanked away every second now. "She's normally not that shy but she didn't get much sleep last night. Babe, wake up! I want you to meet someone and you _wont_ believe it! Come on!"

She's practically bouncing up and down in excitement, I couldn't just ignore it, could I? So I open one suspicious eye and it falls right on another, huge and _very_ close eye staring right back into mine. I jump about a meter high and try to cover myself up as much in the process as I can. "**Jesus**!"

My hand covers the dangerously beating heart in my chest. "Sorry, didn't think you'd open your _eye_. One eye Naomi? _Really_?" My lovely girlfriend isn't sorry at all, she's grinning at me like she's won the jackpot.

I rub my tired eyes and grimace. I feel gross and need a shower but my very tired eyes automatically follow Katie's outstretched hand and come to an halt on another Katie sitting on her bed.

This woke me up so I straighten up, when I'm rubbing my eyes again it makes the girls laugh. "You see her, right? You can properly see her?" I nod, confusion swallowing me and spitting me back out. "That's my sister, Emily. I have a sister! A _real_ sister! Naomi isn't that amazing?"

I'm in desperate need of a coffee and a fag.

"Here." Katie thrusts me an ice-coffee filled mug. "Didn't know when I'll manage to wake you, so we made you iced coffee." Isn't she lovely?

"I know what a right moody bitch you are after waking up." Right, breath deeply Naomi, she _is_ lovely.

"Could you...clothes? Please honey?" I stutter after realising there is no way I could make my way to the dressers without showing Emily, Katie's sister all my goods. I like to sleep naked and thankfully my girlfriend doesn't mind but I cant see her sister being very happy to see me parade naked around here.

She's on it like a bullet, flying to the dressers she wrenched mine open and shows me shirt after shirt and trousers after trouser. When she's about let me choose my knickers my horrified scream and Emily's laugh stop her dead in her tracks. She's an excited little ball of energy this morning. "Doesn't matter, just pick _something_ please."

Walking back to my bed she presents me the bundle of clothes with an excited face, as if it's the most precious gift ever and I chuckle, she can be _unbelievably_ adorable. "See you girls in a sec." And then I'm under my duvet, fighting my way into my clothes and listening to Katie's bragging.

"She's fit yeah?"

"Fit? I mean yeah, but since when do you find a girl 'fit'?

"She's my girlfriend, would be pretty daft if I didn't."

"Your girlfriend? Like, girl being a mate or girl you like screwing through beds?"

"Girl I like to screw through every surface."

I cough with an amused smirk, it's always nice hearing your girlfriend show you off. "Sorry honey! I mean I like to_ make love_ to her of course." She corrects herself with a proud voice, yet I can picture her rolling those insane brown eyes when she said the words 'making love'.

"Of course." Emily sounds confused, I cant resent her for it, who knows if Katie's ever been attracted to girls before. "Isn't that my department?"

Katie laughs, a laugh someone barks out when they're talking to a child asking stupid questions. "No Emily. When you were still wearing glasses and the slow, lame horse was your only mate I already knew how to make a girl happy."

So Katie's made girls happy in the past. Huh, lovely.

When I'm positive no tit will flash the girls when I reappear I kick the duvet off and reach for Katie to pull me to my feet. I'm lazy in the morning. Cant say that I look lots better now, only wearing boyfriend jeans and a simple ACDC shirt my father gave me, a beaney which covers the disaster that's called my hair and my feet slip into beat up chucks when I get to my feet. I take my mug and gulp the cold drink down before pecking Katie's cheek, and forehead and then her mouth because it always makes her smile when I do. She's shining then and I really like making her shine.

Then my eyes meet Emily's, who's still sitting on her sisters bed and eyes me with interest. They look like sisters, something in their faces shows that they're related. I think Emily is younger, maybe a year or two I'd say and her black hair is chin-length. But I think it's their eyes, they have the same form and shade.

I reach out my hand and shake hers, smirking because little Fitch just checked me out. Her eyes went right, left and centre, staying there for quite some time until I moved my fingers, getting her attention. "Hi, I'm Naomi. You must be one of Katie's non-existent siblings." Her jaw drops in shock about my straightforwardness and her worried eyes find Katie's but my girlfriend just laughs it off nudging my shoulder.

Without missing a beat my arm encircles her waist and I pull her to me, grasping both her hands in mine I look down into her eyes with a teasing smile. "No pushing." Her smile changes, it changes drastically and my mouth went dry when the filthy look appeared on her face. A second later her hips pushed into me and my own eyes grew wide, I bit my lips to keep from moaning, groaning or doing another embarrassing sound in front of her sister.

Katie did it again and my arms reach for her hips, stilling her with a warning in my eyes but I don't think say she takes me serious, maybe my smile tells her that I'm not mad. "Uh, guys? Nice that you're happy and shagging in this horrible place but could you please stop doing it in front of me? Seeing my sister doing _that_ is disgusting!"

Winking I press my lips to Katie's temple before pocketing my fags. "I'm going for a smoke. You coming?" There are not a lot of cool places to hang out on this ward, I bet we will stay for Emily's whole visit in the smoke room. Maybe I dare them to beat me in footsie. I'm the current champion. Unbeaten for the last four months. Effy was the champion, but I beat her at one late game. I think she let me win, didn't want to be harassed everyday for a game.

The sisters take their stuff and we walk out of the room into the hallway. Automatically my hand glides into Katie's and I pull her into my side, pecking her forehead when I looked around and didn't see anyone.

Everyone is probably home (It's Saturday) or still, or again, asleep.

I have my mug with me and bang on the kitchen counter, waiting for someone to open the kitchen from the inside and give me what I want. I hate that. Parallel from our ward is the open ward, and we share a kitchen with them. It really sucks to see them rummaging around it and not being able to get a coffee on my own.

The slide gate opens and I come face to face with Mini. Such a pretty girl but totally out of it, she's got loads of different problems and being bulimic is one of them. She's always in the kitchen, devouring everything there is and then vomiting into the closest thing around. "Naomi, sweet, what can I get you?" I eye the empty kitchen and smirk at her, knowing full well she'll full fill my wish-list. "Two small sharp knives, a few forks, and a coffee please. A real coffee with caffeine or iced wannabe coffee, thanks you're a doll." She looks suspiciously behind me, her eyes sizing Emily up before she deciding that she's Katie's sister, not a new worker. No minute later I'm hiding my new knives and forks in my hoodie pocket and walk to the smoke room with a fresh ice-coffee.

Katie is quite, staring at me while her sister talks a mile the minute. Raising my brows I want to know what the problem is but she just shrugs, shooting a look to my hoodie pocket. "Seriously?" She shrugs her pretty shoulders again, a troubled look gracing her face. Seems like she isn't quite sure how to act now that I've got new items to harm myself with. "Relax, you know that if I didn't take these, I'd probably smash a bulb and get seriously hurt with the little pieces. I wont stop just cuz I don't have a knife Kay."

Emily stops her rambling mid sentence and looks from Katie to me and back again, curiosity got the best of her in the end. "So, you cut yourself Naomi?" Her sister, my very own girlfriend obviously defends me, slapping Emily's thigh as she glares at her. "Shut up Ems."

The black haired girl raised her arms in surrender, shaking her head with a smirk. "Sorry, got interesting and I wanted to hear more. It's not like the two of you shared a word with me since we got here." I smile at the girl, because maybe Katie has got a problem with someone questioning what I do but I'm fine with it. I'd rather they ask than talk behind my back as soon as I turn away. "Dont worry, it's fine. Yes I do."

"Are you here because of the cutting?"

"Nope. I wouldn't steal a bed if I was only cutting. Someone else would need it more than me. I have a personality disorder."

She takes the information in with a frown, avoiding eye contact with her still glaring sister. "All right."

Katie steals my mug and sips on the cold drink, probably busying herself while I am having a conversation with her nosey sister. "Wow. I'm sorry, or what am I supposed to say now? I'm sorry? That sucks? Or get well soon? A bit lost here." Emily looks ready to pass out, poor girl has absolutely no idea what to say now. That answers my wondering about mental illnesses in their family, or if Katie's the first case.

Well, surly not the first one but thirty years ago the therapies weren't like today, everyone hid their problems in fear or being locked away for good or being electro shocked.

"Breath Ems, don't want her to think you're a total monk." Look at that, my lovely Katie's got claws. It's no secret that Katie can dish out if needed but I don't see her in action much, it's quite amusing.

Emily's rolling eyes are amusing too and the scoff as well, sisterly love. "I'm ignoring you're bitchy self, tell me when Katie wants to come out again."

Ooookay, maybe not _that_ amusing any more. I shouldn't interfere, their sisters after all and I bet it's not the first situation where Emily snapped at her. She changes the subject before Katie could try and defend herself, or attack her. "Everyone's different, yeah? So what if you're having a disorder, everyone's got something, don't they? How did you get together? Lets talk about something interesting and nice." And suddenly Emily grins, raising a brow at her sister and the bitching is forgotten. Good thing I didn't try to embarrass myself in starting to argue with her.

I think about Emily's question for a few moments. It's not that easy to explain. Bigger question, do I want to explain it to her? "Naomi was with someone else when I arrived and on my first day I accidentally broken them up. We started to hang out, I moved in with her and then they got back together."

Emily's and my eyes meet, looking incredulously at each other first and then at Katie. "Uh, nice story but that still didn't tell me how _you_ guys got together." The black haired girl said with a weird tone. Perhaps she doubted Katie's memories, thought my lovely girl couldn't make out how it really happened.

Time to step in, because Katie is about to break out in tears and I don't like that.

I reach for her hands and pull her off her seat, around the table and with a tug she lands on my lap. My arms wrap around her waist and I let my head rest on her shoulder, kissing somewhere between her chin and earlobe. She's calmed down instantly. "She's right, Emily. Well, aside from the part that I've _never_ been in a relationship before. It was something _else_. But one morning when I tried to creep in to our into our room she made me talk about it. Told me what she thought and hoped for and it was exactly what I needed and wanted too. We decided to try it. Rest is history."

Emily stared at me. She actually stared at me, holding my gaze forever like she's sizing me up. "I see." Katie's hand waves in question of her sisters weird behaviour. "No nothing, it's fine. Really lovely." But the girl on my lap didn't buy it, she shook her head and sighed. "Ems what is it?"

She's fidgeting and with a groan and a penetrating look she finally meets her sisters eye. "It sounds, I don't know, like a choice, an actual thought through decision and not at all romantic. Guess I didn't peg you to be such a rational person about love."

I cant see her face, but I'm glad that Katie didn't tense or started shaking in anger like I've seen a couple times before.

Just when she takes a breath to explain, or yell (I cant be sure) the door opens and a out of breath Pandora crashes inside, tripping over Emily. Katie reaches out, managing to save the crazy girl from killing herself with a face first fall at the edge of the table.

Wild eyes dart across the room, from one face to the next and back again while she's panting as if she's just run a marathon. "Naomsi? Fuck Naomi I looked everywhere for you. She's back."

I feel the colour leave my face and Katie automatically jumps to her feet, grasping my hand. We're out the door in a flash, leaving a confused Emily with mad-girl Pandora in the room as we run down the corridor. I bang on the door, bang until my hand throbbing and Freddie finally opens it after Katie threatened to rip his balls off if the didn't let us out.

He only did because he knew we wouldn't run away and because he accompanied us.

Katie's hand never left mine, through our sprint down the stairs and not through the doors to the slowly stopping ambulance. They haven't even parked the vehicle yet and we are slamming our hands against the huge doors already.

A confused, possibly scared young nurse opens the door after fucking ages and I'm walking back and jumping into the car with Katie pushing me inside. God, I love that chick. While I'm throwing myself over Effy's half-dead body she's yelling at the nurses and Freddie, keeping them from coming back inside. I think I've heard her threaten them to slit her wrists if they take a step inside that car now.

Might seem a bit dramatic, our act here but there's no way I'd be let anywhere near Effy for the next days, possibly weeks. Gotta take the chance to see her now.

I bend down and press my lips to Effy's cool forehead, just letting them stay there and enjoy the feeling of her breath against my throat. "Naomi?" She croaks, coughing but I cant start discussions and arguments now, she's alive.

After I've inspected her wrists and neck, head and heart I feel my eyes start to burn, tears are welling up and my palm crashes into her cheek with a loud slap. "What the fuck?" She shrieks and tries to move away but here's no space to run and I let her know just that. "Exactly, what the fuck Eff? I have left you out of my eyes for two fucking minutes and you go and try to off yourself?" I take a shaky breath, closing my eyes to get myself back together. "It's not fair."

And then she scoots to the end of her cot and pulls me to stand between her open legs, resting her hands on my waist she looks up at me with honest eyes. "Listen, princess, I didn't try to kill myself. Okay? If I had, I'd be dead by now. I needed time to think."

Something between a sob and chuckle escaped my throat and I pull her to me, building a cocoon around her. "Of course you did." I sigh in relief.

The yelling from the other side of the door gets louder and I hear them threaten to tie Katie up. Effy's amused eyes meet mine with a smirk. "Send your pit bull out to keep the wankers away?" I flick her ear with a smile and kiss her forehead again. This is now the last time for at least a week I'll get to see her, they're gonna take her to obsver. Observation. Because everyone thought this crazy bitch lost it again. God, I feel like I can breath again.

"You're a crazy bitch Eff." I sigh, I don't have it in me to be mad any more. I cant. Her chuckle, to actually hear her chuckling again is like a heavens gift. "I try to please. Now come on, don't want your schizo to listen to the mean voices. Bet she's secretly shitting it right now, don't you? Bet she thinks you're welcoming me in your very special way right now. You know, with your fingers" "I liked it more when you were fucking mute." I groan, because that is just embarrassing and sooo wrong.

I knock twice before we open the door and everyone freezes to look at us. God knows what they've thought we were doing. Probably exactly what Effy's been doing, stealing everything she could get her fingers on and don't try to get me to tell you where she hid it. Gross.

Katie's face lights up for a moment before her eyes see my hand still holding Effy's. She takes a deep breath, exhaling before reaching out and helping Effy down. Did I mention how amazing she is?

In horror I watch Effy throw her arm around Katie's shoulders and lean her head on it. "Missed me Katiekins?" A very low and dangerously hissed ;"Shut it, bitch." is heard from my girlfriend's lips and I grin, they will never get along.

When we make our way back to the building, Katie on Effy's right side, me on the left to keep her from being frisked, a questioning looking person stands by the entrance with her hand on her hips. Effy's laugh booms through the empty halls. "Holy shite baby, you got yourself some twin action?"

No denying it, Effy's high as a fucking kite and makes everyone uncomfortable. Everyone but me, I snigger and pinch her waist. "That's Emily. Emily, that's Effy. My old...uh...hm..." "Your old something _else_?" She asks with a teasing smirk and her eyes twinkle. Cheeky bitch, I have to say, she is kinda funny.

"Yes. That's me, something else. And you're Katie's better half I assume? Seeing as how much a bitch she is, you must be the angel." Good god, holy mother and fucking Jesus did Effy just flirt with Katie's twin? Sooo wrong. I nudge her hip and glare because that's a no go. "Stop dreaming."


	8. I'll follow you to the edge of worlds

I almost jumped out of my skin when our bedroom door flew open a second ago and my breathless, shaking girlfriend crashed inside. Panting.

Effy jumped off the bed and was in front of her in a flash, grasping her shoulders she keeps asking her who did something to her. I think she'll kill them. "Fuck's sake Katie, breath and tell me what the fuck happened!"

When Katie meekly shook her head and her sad eyes met mine my heart shattered into thousand pathetic pieces. That's a look which makes your blood run cold. "All right. All right." Effy mutters before she's out of the door, banging her fists against the walls, demanding to know what happened in a deadly serious and dangerous voice. She can be quite scary.

I take the time to rush over to Katie and hug her, kiss her head and ask what's happened to her. I'm scared someone might have died, or that her head's fucking her up badly or who knows what.

She takes a shaky breath and wipes her nose with her jumper, surprisingly it doesn't make me cringe this time. I'm too worried to be grossed out. "I'm out."

Her voice is empty and hollow, just as her eyes. All emotions have left her face, leaving no traces behind when she muttered those words. "Out? What do you mean, _out_? Katie, you having a fucking laugh?"

"Do I look like I'm fucking laughing? I'm out, they've kicked me out. My mother is on her way to pick me up, like, I'm going home."

"No."

"No?" She laughs. "No? It's not you who gets to decide shit here, Naomi. I'm out. Proper fucked, have got like, twenty minutes to pack."

She _cant_ go home.

Her therapy isn't progressed enough to send her home. They've started scraping on the surface and she'll fucking break if they let her go now. That fucking much shit they started working on and now they kick her so she's got to work it out on her own?

Just when I've reached the door to see and kill my therapist her soft hand grabbed my wrist and she's pulled me back towards her, crashing out lips together in a kiss that's shattering my aching heart. "I'll be right back." I whisper and try to leave again but she wont let me, holds on to my hips tighter. "No. just stay with me until I leave. Effy's probably killing him right now anyway."

And she kisses my jaw and neck, softly sucking on my skin but I cant enjoy it. Not when I know that she's got to leave in a few minutes. So I push her away.

Her glare doesn't faze me.

"I'm coming with you."

Running to my dresser I wrench it open, throwing clothes onto my bed. "You cant do that." She sighs that big, all-fucking-knowing sigh and I'd really like to slap her right now.

"Dont you ever fucking tell me what I can or cant do."

When I'm stuffing shit carelessly into my bag I feel a hard push on my back and then I'm face-first on the bed. Gorgeous Katie's covering my body with hers and she snuggles into me, almost crushing me with the force she's holding on but I couldn't care less. "Katie"

"No. You're staying here, I'll come visit and when you're out we'll be together. We'll move together and everything will be fucking perfect but for that to happen you need to stop being a freaking bomb, exploding every time something happens you don't want to. Okay?"

"Fuck off, will you fucking stop? You're doing my head in."

She's losing patience and I think if I weren't laying here with my face pushed into the pillow she'd strangle me right now. It's not that she's opposite cursing, swearing. She's not. She's a fucking sailor but she cant stand it when I'm offending her in a serious situation. In a fight, we both stand our ground and that's fine for her. But when there's no real fight, just a fucked up day and I take it out on her even though there's no way she's at fault, she could kill me.

So, there's really no question why I tense when she takes a deep breath, shitting bricks here. Shouldn't have talked to her that way I think while I brace myself for the fallout, yet what leaves her mouth isn't what I've expected. At fucking all. "I love you."

You're a volcano, ready to erupt. You're spitting fire and magma and ash like a boiling pot of water and then, three words knock the breath out of you. Just like that. I haven't experienced it ever before and I'm stunned.

She lets me turn around to look at her, fucking good, and when I do I cant believe what I see. She's gazing into my eyes with _soo_ much feelings and honesty, with so much love that it scares me like nothing else ever could. When someone loves you, gives you their heart on a fucking silver plate you're bound to cause them pain. Because, when there's love, there's pain. Simple as that. What the fuck did I do?

"Dont say that Katie. We've known each other for what? Four months? Get real, that's fucking mental, ridiculous. ."

And I think I see something shatter inside of her when I push her off me to get to my feet.

I'm not surprised to see Effy lean by the door watching us, that's kinda her thing. She doesn't ask me anything when I reach her, she just takes my hand and leads me out of the room until we're sitting in the smoke room.

She still hasn't said anything when I smoked my third fag.

It's getting annoying.

Doesn't take long for Michelle to open the door and look for me with sympathy. "Katie's ready to go. Perhaps it's best to say goodbye?"

"Perhaps it's best to mind your own business?"

A knowing smile forms on her lips and she shakes her head, patting my shoulder. Of course I flinch away the second she touched me but she's not bothered, only smiles once more. "You'll regret it."

Perhaps it were her eyes, the way she looked at me like she knew that I couldn't live with myself if I didn't say goodbye.

Or maybe it was Effy's dragging me to the doors and then, when we reached Katie with Michelle's help to the clinic entrance.

My girlfriend is staring at her mothers car with nothing but emptiness in her beautiful eyes and it makes it that much harder. She's holding a little paper bag filled with her drugs for the week. It's a daily dose until she gets sorted out by her doctor.

Her mother's yapping like a fucking terrier, blaming Katie for pretty much everything. "I thought 'Finally, we will finally be able to live like a normal family. Katie's getting the treatment she needs to act like everyone else, we wont be a fucking joke any more and what did you do? I'm getting a call at _work_, saying that you abused your privileges and drank vodka on the clinic grounds?"

My head snapped to Katie and I think I hurt it because it cracked but _when_ did she get privileges and when, where and who from did she get the vodka? How did she leave the ward?

Alone?

"Katie?"

She cant meet my eyes and I shake my head at her, already knowing that this cant be good or she'd have told me. "Doesn't matter now. C'mere." Her hands pull me in by my jeans pockets and then I only feel her soft lips pressing desperately into mine.

"I'll visit" "Uh huh."

"I'll call every day" "Uh huh."

"I'll miss you" "Yeah"

"We'll be together when you're home" "Sure"

"I cant visit for six weeks, stupid rule but I'll send Emily." "Yeah, okay"

"Dont get any ideas with other girls while I'm away." "Okay."

"Dont start shit with Effy again." "Huh?"

I pull away and stare at her in confusion. "What?"

"You're my girlfriend Naomi. I know how you get when you're on your own and Effy's, well, she's a sure bet so, please, please don't do anything." Her mother yells for her but Katie just waves her away. "Okay? You're a stupid babe-magnet, at least in here but I know you can be different. Just like you are with me. Don't do anything that's gonna break us, okay? I love you."

"Yeah. Okay."

Right now I really don't care about Michelle's questioning eyes or my therapists narrowed ones, I kiss her again, pulling her into a big hug. Who knows if I'll ever get her back? I'm not stupid, things like that don't work out.

I'm trying to hold my tears back when I feel Effy's thin arm sneak around my waist. She didn't try anything on with me since Katie, but ho knows?

Katie smiles at me, this tear-eyed-heartbreaking smile makes me tremble. Her tender fingers wipe the tears from my face and it's such a loving gesture that it starts the waterworks again. "Take care of yourself, and try to behave so you can get town time." I nod, in this moment I'd promise anything if it meant she'd stop crying.

And suddenly, from one second to another she's gone and I'm staring off into the distance where her car starts to fade. "Naomi, can I talk to you for a second?"

My therapist.

I take a shaky breath and brace myself for one hell of a argument we'll have.

"I'm moving back in with Naomi." Effy mutters. She's not asking for permission, she's simply stating the obvious because she's Effy and she doesn't need to ask for anything.

"We'll talk about that later. Naomi?"

He's staring at me in disappointment. Like I am his daughter and did the most trust-shattering thing possible but I am not. I'm a fucking teenager, a mental teenager who's got a crush on a girl. A fucking crush that helped me want to get my shit together and start thinking about tomorrow instead of living into the next day.

It happened so fast that I'm not quite sure I've fully realised she's gone yet. Cant imagine to go back to our room later and find it empty. See her side of the room bare. No stupid posters of 50Cent or Rhianna any more. No clothes I'd trip over because she's too fucking lazy to at least make a pile. No gasping for breath when she kisses me. No clenching my eyes shut when she's got her fun teasing me. No cuddling when she's got a bad episode.

It's when he coughs and I raise my eyes that I catch I've been crying the whole time. My vision is blurred and blinking doesn't help, makes it worse so I must've shed a couple tears.

Wiping my eyes angrily I glare at him. "Do you have any fucking common sense you useless wanker?" "_Naomi_"

I slam my hand on his stupid wooden table and almost break it, my hand, that thing is fucking hard. It turns my anger to rage. "You made her talk about everything, everything what's in her fucking head and when she does, when she fucking starts trusting you and opened herself so fucking much you repay it with giving up on her? Throwing her to the fucking sharks?"

He wants to interrupt me, defend himself or blame her, I don't care. I wont let him. "She was the only one who wanted help. Katie's head is destroying her and she needs the help, knows it and was fucking working for it every single day and you just don't care. You kick her out like she's nothing but a depressed teenager who's got nothing serious." I am panting, and shaking because I cant understand it.

"A child that's coming from a family where's no mental illness past, who's had a perfect life, perfect and stabilised childhood gone schizophrenic. Not the bollocking two persons bullshit, no, real fucking schizophrenia and you let it go. You have any idea how important this case is for fucking science and the future? To have such a young mind and work with it? She would have fucking helped you getting recognition, maybe even publish something and you threw it away?"

"Stop Naomi!"

I do stop. Interested in what he's got to say I bite my lip and look at him like he's killed something I love. Maybe he did.

"I know all that. I didn't throw her to the sharks. She's going to get the best care she can, I organised for her to stay in a clinic specialised for cases like that. She'll take part in studies, therapists who are educated to work with young people suffering schizophrenia. She'll get the care she needs Naomi." He managed to shut me up and thousand thoughts run through my mind. An endless circle of scary questions.

"Where is that place?" I blurt out, wiping my nose with my jumper's sleeve.

"Liverpool, it's a long-term stay she's going to take part in."

I gasp for breath with wide eyes. "What? How...how long?"

Something resembling pity washes over his face and he takes off his glasses to absently clean them. "That's not for me to decide Naomi. Usually it starts with six months up to two years, depending on"

I don't let him finish.

My hand is throbbing from all the banging I had to do until the new intern opened the door and brought me back to my ward. I'm practically flying through the hallway, only stopping to grab Effy's hand and drag her after me to our room.

She slammed the door shut and looks at me with a raised brow, waiting for me to explain what's happening.

"I'm leaving." I declare with a helpless shrug and Effy, amazing Effy narrows her eyes and smirks at me.

"Cool. Lets call our parents then."

"You coming?" I ask, no idea why it surprised me but somehow it did.

"I assume you want to chase Katie because she's going somewhere. We can kidnap Emily and go together."

We phoned my mother first, then Effy's mum and made them come get us because we are under aged and cant discharge ourselves.

Two hours later I'm sitting on the windowsill in my room, ignoring my scolding mother as my eyes are glued to our driveway.

"I cant believe you actually made me get you home Naomi! Seven months, seven months and I never felt you getting better and now you want to be home? You'll freak out and slit yourself open at the first thing that's not going your way!"

I don't think she's took a breath since her rant started twenty minutes ago. But I don't care. I press redial on my phone and hold it to my ear, praying Katie will finally pick up. After the seventh ring I hear a voice. It's the wrong one. "Emily? Where is Katie?"

"Naomi? How did you...I'm coming tomorrow for visit, need to tell you a few things" I cut her off with an almost shrieked; "Where is Katie?"

"She's gone to Liverpool. She weren't allowed to come inside the house, had to wait in the car when mum parked to get a couple things. She gave me your number and told me to meet you tomorrow and tell you their kidnapping her." I cursed, but then my eyes fell on a beat up car which is falling apart but nonetheless, it makes me grin.

"Fancy going to Liverpool Emily? Effy's got her mum's car and we are about to leave. We need you to get the clinic's addresses though." She squeals, telling me she'll be happy to tag along but couldn't leave until tomorrow afternoon when her mum's gonna be at work.

"Sure, sounds good. Keep Katie's phone, I'll call you with the details."

My mum has a look of thunder on her face and gapes at me like a mean fish. When I hear Effy knock I grab my packed bag and peck mum's cheek on my way down. "Sorry mum, they took my girlfriend and I have to see her and tell her that she'll be fine. I'll call."

During my explanation mum's face changed. She isn't looking at me like I'm the biggest disappointment any more. No. She looks touched when she wraps her arms around me and kisses my cheek before handing me two hundred pounds. "Be safe and call me everyday love."

She knows that she needs to let me do this. Maybe she isn't that bad after all, I wonder when I jump into the old car after throwing my bag on the back-seat.

"Hello love, where to?" Effy smirks and I don't think I've ever seen her that careless before.

"Somewhere we can spend the night. Your girlfriend cant leave until tomorrow." I tease and dodge the punch she tried to deliver to my shoulder.

"Girlfriend? Oh no, sweetheart. I don't want a girlfriend. I wanna have a good time, and Emily will do fine."

I laugh, knowing that the bond we share might bring us straight to hell. And everyone who's around will join us.


	9. wasted days and wasted nights

_Hi guys, sorry took that long to update. didn't know if i should continue this. a couple of you were yelling for effy and naomi, here's a chapter filled with them. :) _

_next chapter: _

_A: They get to the clinic and katie's happy to break out_

_B: they get to the clinic and katie wont break out_

_C: they don't get to the clinic, leave katie where she is and go having a good time on their own_

_Vote :) _

* * *

I'm tired.

I feel drained.

My head hurts.

My back hurts.

My waist fell asleep and I've got pins and needles, tingling like hell.

Looking down I see the reason for the uncomfortable feeling, _Effy_.

She's sprawled across my midsection, makes us look like a cross. Touching blindly for my phone I curse, yell, and jump when my hand landed on something warm, hard and awfully similar to a cock.

Effy stirred so I push her off me.

Staring at her with thousand questions in my eyes, I'm demanding to know why there is a naked bloke on the floor right beside our heads. _Naked_. Did I mention he's fucking naked? As on the day he was fucking born?

She waves my worry away and lights two fags before handing me one, shrugging like it was perfectly normal to wake up to _that_. On the other hand, who knows what's normal for Effy? "That's Rick. It's his place, remember?"

Problem is, I don't. I don't remember Rick, or his place or why we're on the floor surrounded by cider and tequila bottles, burned ash, shoes and an half empty pizza cupboard.

When my eyes wander back to Effy I see her split lip and reach out to touch it, don't know why. Isn't it weird that people always try to touch someone else's wounds? My hands are shaking awfully, don't even wanna know what we've been taking last night for them to look like I'm an 50 year long drinking fossil.

"What's with your lip?" My voice is hoarse and I have to cough a couple times for it to sound a bit more like my own.

And then she smirks, like someone does when they know something you cant remember. "You bit, punched, and threw me at the edge of the table."

"Right" I nod. "and why have I done all that?"

She chuckles and nudges her head toward my elbow and then my neck. Automatically my eyes try to see what's on my neck but that's impossible, so I press my hand all over the skin and hiss in pain when I touch a sensitive spot. When I do that, my eyes land on the inside of my elbow and I see two red bloody dots.

Taking a deep breath I close my eyes and try not to think about my mates I saw dying because of a couple bloody dots, shooting bad h up their veins killed them on the spot.

"I was getting fags, when I came back you've already did it once. We got into a fight and when I went to the loo you tried to fix again so I took it away from you. Think you forgot about it afterwards though."

I'm nodding, absently rubbing my thumb over the sensitive skin. "So I hurt you when you got back getting fags then."

Effy shakes her head and reaches for her shirt which is placed on the heater. I don't even want to know how it got there. This makes me see that she's only wearing her knickers. Good god. Holding my breath I look down my body, almost fainting when I see that I too, am only in my knickers.

Effy sees me freaking out and throws my jumper at me before I can scream the place down. "Dont worry. He didn't touch you."

"Great!" I snap, pulling the dark piece of clothing over my head. "Did _we..._uh.. have _you_ touched me Eff?"

She's smirking again, demonstratively grabbing the turned-over table she pulled it back to its usual position. I've pushed her so hard this thing fell and turned upside down, aren't I a real charmer? "I'm sorry Effy."

Shrugging she goes off looking for her stuff. "Doesn't matter. Lets get out of here before he wakes up."

Doing what she asked me to, I search for everything we might forget. When I get to my feet Effy rushed over to me, holding my waist, I wasn't steady enough, have to get my bloodstream under control first.

"Why do we have to leave before he wakes up?"

She hurries and doesn't let me use the bathroom to freshen up, no, we speed down the filthy stairs barefoot, pushing our stuff into my bag on the way to the car. Effy lets out a huge breath when we're safely inside of the car, then she faces me with a wicked smirk. "Because love, you gave him all your money for the scag and what we drank. Had to get it back, yeah? Wouldn't want you to stop your romantic gesture because you're a holy junky."

My eyes widen and I let out a disbelieving chuckle, running a hand through my matted hair. "Fuck, I'm useless when I'm pissed." With still shaking hands I pull down the little mirror on the passenger side and my eyes almost bulge out when I see the _zombie_ looking, shocked, back at me.

My mascara is smeared and I look like a depressive clown. How the fuck did some of it get to my lips anyway?

My eyes are bloodshot and I've got pinpoint pupils, almost make the black bags under my eyes look like their nothing.

The excuse for _hair_ stick out in all directions. Fuck Effy for making me put a shitload of mousse in it when we were getting ready for her brother's party. How is that fair that she's looking as gorgeous as ever?

Because she's always got the heroin-chick look going, I guess.

But then my eyes fell on my neck and I don't hesitate punching Effy's bare shoulder with as much force as I can muster, considering I'm half dead. "Bitch! I've got a girlfriend, yeah? You cant go leaving lovebites all over me!"

She's smiling at me while rubbing her shoulder I just abused. "Yeah, you showed me as much." She pointed to her bruises and split lip. Then she shrugged. "Apparently it's okay for Katie if you fuck _me_, but when I try to touch you, you go mental."

I blink a couple times at her, willing her to laugh and tell me she's joking.

When she doesn't, I keep glaring, slowly raising my hand and sniffing my fingers. With a groan I kick the dashboard, then punch it, and try to stop the tears I feel arriving in masses.

A gentle hand rests on my shoulder but I flinch away and angry as hell, push the girl. "Dont fucking ever touch me again, stupid slut. Maybe you don't know what _relationship_ means, but I fucking consider faithfulness as the number one rule which doesn't need any fucking clarification or to be discussed!"

There's pain flashing through her eyes for a millisecond, but as soon as it appeared it was gong again. Only to be replaced by indifference.

I never liked seeing her like this, and thought that we were beyond all that. But obviously only four words were enough to bring Effy's walls back up full force.

"Fine by me." She smirked. "I try to fight you off the next time then, when you attack me as soon as you have an excuse for it."

Rummaging around in her knickers, Effy pulls out a couple bank notes, throwing them at my lap with a nasty grin. "Thanks for the amazing shag."

I curse lowly and get back to the impossible task; Getting my face to look human again and trying not to be hurt by her practically calling me a _whore_. Of course it was my money she so kindly gave back to me, but that doesn't make me feel any better.

She starts the car and drives through Bristol's streets, wordlessly, and when we take the slip road I search for my phone. "Wait Eff, we're supposed to pick up Emily."

She chuckles darkly and shakes her still pretty hair. "That was yesterday. She's at some hostel in Liverpool, waiting for us."

Yesterday?

With the mood Effy's in, I opt to keep my mouth shut for the trip, only asking if she would like something when I walk to the petrol station an hour later.

Effy went to use the restroom and I followed after purchasing two packs of fags, four water bottles, four energy drinks, gum, and paid for petrol. When I finished using the toilette I go to wash my hands and face. I scrub away the make up or what's left of it and Effy hands me toothpaste so I can put a bit of it on my finger and try to brush my teeth as good as possible.

She brought a bag with our clothes so we can change into clean ones after giving ourselves a catlick. Being bold, we even washed our hair and towelled them afterwards, at the end we felt more human and less zombie-like.

People who walked in grinned or made some remarks mostly about missing the good old days, so we didn't have to explain ourselves or apologise or anything.

After finishing our quick make up and each drinking a bottle of water, we make our way back to the car and pull our sunglasses on as Eff starts to drive again. Lighting our fags, opening our red-bulls and the windows, I turn up the volume of my phone which I connected to the car radio and we grin.

Finally we feel free again, and forgetting about our fight we simply enjoy the sunny weather as we sing our way towards Liverpool.


	10. AUTHORS NOTE

_Hey, I've got lot to do, real life's being a b.. and just wanted to see if anyone's actually still reading that? If so, I've got another chapter almost finished, but if not, I wont post it just for the kick of it. So, just checking in, to see if anyone's still interested. :)_

_have fun_

_IwysAshes_


	11. Reality where are you?

_Here's some Naomi and Katie for you, will be the last we've seen of Katie for some time now so I thought I'd make it long. _

Question; what happens when a bordie and schizo get into a fight? Who might win? *haha* all right sorry, couldnt stop myself here. that's just a tiny spoiler. ;)

_Always up for some suggestions, comments, critic. :) _

* * *

Surprised brown eyes watch me in something resembling fear.

Fear from what?

Not me, that's for sure. Averting my own eyes I seek stormy blue ones to help me figure out why she is, obviously, not happy by my big romantic gesture. Only getting an indifferent shrug in response Effy keeps on looking out of the huge windows, looking at nothing.

Nothing?

How can I say that, assume she's looking at nothing when for all I know, there could be other worlds playing out in front of her eyes right now? Who am I to decide that this here, this moment is reality and not what Effy's seeing?

"Naomi."

She whispers it, almost chokes on my name and I try to remember why but come up with nothing. When she left psycho Bristol, she was in tears and very much in love with me, a complete opposite to what I see here.

Surprise and fear, don't I know how that feels? Isn't it fucking obvious? I for one, know exactly what's happened between her leaving and me arriving here.

She's cheated.

Katie's cheated on me, I can feel it. It makes its way, from the pit of my tummy, upwards and with it the anger, it's shaking me. I feel like a caged tiger, _so_ ready to bare my teeth and pounce. "Who've you managed to fuck then, in what? A fucking day?"

The way she recoiled, tears filling her eyes and her bottom lip trembling, makes me flinch but I don't stop. Clenched fists at my side I am the picture of broiling anger and she can see it.

She knows exactly how destructive this is going to be. "Baby, you need to calm down." Talking in that voice, all low and slow, like every fucking doctor does, she's trying to make this stop, the huge cliff I am running towards to jump head first down off.

But my eyes, they cant focus on her any more, they look around wildly for any potential candidates. "Him? Was it him?" I pointed at a random lad, walking with his trousers almost hitting the floor as if he shat himself. "Oi mate!" Her hands go to my waist automatically, a simple touch I'd enjoy in any other situation only makes me angrier now.

I take a step forwards, forcing her to move as well, and she clings to me as I march towards him.

"Have you shagged my girlfriend?"

He's looking at me, completely baffled for a moment, but then I point at Katie and there's this blush crawling up his disgusting, acne covered neck. It's enough for my body to lunge at him and tackle the poor bastard to the ground. He has no idea what he's dealing with.

A sleep-deprived, hungover, down after days filled with pills and powder and h, out of medication borderliner is hitting him and he cant escape.

People all around me scream, they try to get me off of him but I dig my fingers too deep into his red skin. Katie's crying somewhere close to me, I think it's _her_ ripping on my sleeve. Doesn't take much to shake her off.

I wont ever forget.

She tainted everything with one tiny little unimportant thing, made it all wrong and sad instead of happy and oh so fucking right.

When we have arrived at the hostel little Emily was waiting for us in, she almost fainted seeing us. I guess the after party smell wasn't as gone as we have hoped. Then, the only thing I remember is her yelling at me for what felt like hours, I guess she saw the lovebite pretty soon.

"How can you fucking do that to my sister?!" Big brown eyes so disappointed, as if I've cheated on _her_.

Clinging to her like she was my last hope to survive, I was tugging on her shirt, trying to get her to understand. "I don't remember! I'm so sorry I cant remember." I do remember a lot of crying, my still fucked up mind was playing tricks on me and Emily's face has transformed into Katie's all the time, confusing me. Effy gave me some pills on the ride to Liverpool, it was making my brain all mushy and stuff started not making any sense.

Then there was a ringing in my ears, and I was yelling louder for Emily to hear me. But she was only looking at me in disgust, trying to shake me off. "That's my _sister_ you're hurting." She's almost hissed, throwing death glances at Effy, who wasn't fazed by it the tiniest bit. "NO! I never wanted to hurt her, I haven't. Please, you need to know that I didn't mean for that to happen. Whatever happened. I don't know, you cant end it, you cant." And then I've kissed little Emily.

It took Effy to push me off the Fitch, the wrong Fitch, but neither of us mentioned it afterwards.

Neither of us would mention that Emily didn't stop it, even though she wasn't pissing gone and knew exactly what was happening.

Her pained brown eyes had locked on mine then and they were so fucking troubled, I could only imagine how Katie would feel.

Everything gets a bit fuzzy after that.

There was a phone call, someone called me. I was relieved and I cried, but I cant get it together now, perhaps it was my mother? Maybe my doctor. But the guesses goes more to Katie.

_Katie_.

My _girlfriend_ Katie.

I snatch my arms from around the blokes throat and look around with wild eyes, suddenly scared.

Effy's by my side right away, her long, slender arms wrapping around me as she keeps glaring at everyone surrounding us. "Fuck off! Nothing to see here." Looking down at my shaking hands, my breaths are just as shaky, mine and the lads eyes lock.

He's scared too.

"I swear I haven't shagged your bird, mate. Not my type, is she? A bit too curvy if you get what I mean." He's got the nerve to wriggle his brows and form a woman's body with his gross hands, going extra big on the arse.

My hands are around his throat again and this time, they let me punch him. "One more word and I'll rip out your chord box you stupid waste of space." Effy, who's still holding me, helps me to my feet and a crying Katie comes crashing into my arms. Automatically my hands start running up and down her back, and I try to whisper comforting words into her ear but I cant remember what the actual fuck happened.

The last thing I remember is the ride over to the clinic.

Effy and Emily were bickering the whole time, acting like lovesick teenagers. I guess they are. I was throwing glares at them, it made me mad that they haven't taken any notice of them though. Acted as if I weren't there and I hate being ignored.

I _cant_ be ignored.

Hate me all you want, love me, what you'll do any way, but never, _ever_ ignore me.

I cant cope with that.

Don't tell anyone that I told you the secret weapon to fight a borderliner.

Full on, no acknowledging ignorance. Not the fake kind, letting people suffer to only get back to them, no, the real ignorance. As if the person never existed.

"I'll go get Katie for visitation." Emily has said after we parked the car. But then, there's nothing. I must've lost it, my tunnel vision. Something must have triggered it, it doesn't come without a reason.

"Naomi, are you okay? Baby, look at me." Shaky hands cup my face and brown eyes, so lovely and wet run over my face as if to see that I am real. Or, that I am back in reality from whatever trip I have went to. "You scared me love."

I nod.

It's sad that I know how scary I can get.

My best mate, my old best mate, filmed it. It was the party after we graduated middle school, the camera's been running all night and some time during the end I've lost it completely.

It wasn't nice to watch but they made me.

"Come on, we'll go to my room." She whispers, even tries a reassuring smile but I cant smile back.

She's going to leave me.

I can feel it in my bones, she's fucked someone and she's leaving me. "No...no...no." Shaking my head I try, not very hard, to leave her embrace. "You're leaving me." With a sigh she wipes away some tears I must have shed without realising.

"I'm not." She whispers, her voice shaking as much as she is. "I promise I'm not."

My eyes search out blue ones, the ones that always find mine when I look, but this time, this time they are occupied.

They are locked on brown orbs, soooo similar to those I love so much, but so different all the same. The anger comes back full force, my nostrils flare. Katie's eyes follow my vision, they cloud over, but I cant concentrate on that long enough to realise what it is.

"Effy." It's whispered so softly, so fucking painfully broken that my heart clenches.

She knows.

She probably knew it when it happened.

Her soft, so tender hand takes mine and she leads me away while my eyes stay fixated on the new loved up couple. I can only scoff.

Emily doesn't have a fucking clue _how_ to love Effy.

"Naomi we need to talk."

Her beds is soft, so much softer than our bed at Bristol's clinic. The whole room is much nicer, guess you get that for a shitload of money.

"What was that baby?" She's kneeling between my thighs, looking up at me through her always pained eyes. "You really scared me."

"I...I it was...sometimes I..." But seeing her watch me so resigned and carefully, brings my defensive walls come back up and I cross my arms over my chest. Cant show her that I am weak and cant even remember what happened. It is _her_ fault after all. "_You_ are the one who's not happy to see me."

She has the nerve to furrow her brows at my accusation. "What..I don't understand."

"You'd say that, it's easy, isn't it? _You don't understand_." I mock with a ice cold scoff. Well hello Naomi bitch, where have you been hiding? You finally came out to meet your lovely girlfriend you'll gonna chase away if you don't fucking shut your big gob? "If you wanted to break up with me you should've done it before you left. Fucking coward."

That's the thing.

I know, I fucking know that what I'm saying is so wrong, on so many levels but my heart...it feels all that fucked up shit and I cant stop myself. Not when I feel threatened. And right now, I feel like my heart is about to get broken.

"I didn't want to do that."

"**You did!"** Trying to calm myself down I take a deep breath and will my voice to stop fucking breaking. "You did."

"Baby look at me." Her soft fingers take my chin and move my head back so our eyes lock, and only then she continues with a soft voice. "I didn't want to break up with you love. But can you please be honest with me? I promise I wont leave you, but I have to know what the fuck that was. You really, _really_ scared me."

"You fucked someone else." It's burned into my mind, fuck. All rationality is lost on me, only the way she looked at me, combined with that fucking thought made it so fucking real that I cant grasp what actually the truth is. "I _know_ you did. You weren't happy to see me when I've fought everyone to get to you and break you out. They kidnapped you and you...you found someone else already."

They widen, her eyes do, as if she sees the mental case I am for the first time.

I snatch my arms away from her, crossing them defensively. Now she fucking sees it, _now_? Well baby, too fucking late.

"Naomi could you fucking calm down?" She's getting mad, but right now, right here, I cant understand why. She doesn't get the right to be mad, no. Not today. I do.

She's fucked someone else. "And fucking stop looking at me like I'm England's whore 2013 for fuck's sake, _you've_ obviously had fun with _Effy_, _not_ me." Pointing to my neck her face confronts, she's really trying to hold it together. "Do you see me running around strangling her? No."

"You don't care." It's out of my mouth before I can stop it and it was the worst thing I could have said. She's on her feet and pacing around, pointing sharp fingernails at me and glaring like the bitch she can be when she wants. "_I_ don't care? Really Naomi, you gathered that from what? Me trying to see if you're back in _this_ fucking world before I start yelling at you? Me trying to make sure you're fucking okay because you went _completely_ nuts earlier? Yes, _obviously_ I don't fucking care at all."

My wounded eyes try to meet hers but she's too mad, too busy pacing and raging. Too busy hating me.

"What the fuck do you even want here? You came to break me out, great, really fucking lovely. Remembered that some time between getting it fucking on with _Effy_ and shooting up your vanes? Or was it when you snogged my fucking sister that you remembered me? Huh?" Almost shaking with anger Katie's fire spitting eyes finally land on me I really wished they hadn't.

The way she's hurting makes me sad.

Knowing that I am the cause for her pain makes it times worse. "Katie...baby" "No." Her outstretched hand stops me from saying any more stupid shite. "No _baby! _Right now _I_ am fucking talking and for once in your life you're gonna listen and you're gonna listen good."

I blink several times, trying to blink away the tears.

It's in my bones, I can feel it...she's about to leave me.

"You fucking left the clinic when your mental state isn't anywhere near being ready for that. The worst thing?! You fucking know that but you ran away any way. Because of _love_, so fucking romantic Naomi, who knew?" My heart clenches, the way she takes the piss out of my big romantic gesture makes me shrink away and look to the ground.

Don't think I've ever felt that stupid.

Katie's not finished though, she's just started. "You got your shit, got fucking Effy, and I really cant stand saying her name right now." And I see it, she's practically choking on it. "_Fucked_ _Effy_, had the party of the fucking millennia and decided that fucking heroin is the way to do that, nice by the way. One tiny thing that makes me love you _so_ much more right now." Ouch. "Ooooh no, look at me."

My head is turned upwards by her not so gentle fingers until I'm forced to look at her. I don't think that the tears burning in my eyes touch her at all right now. She's looking well furious and they make her only madder. "Naomi _no_." A strangled sob tries to escape my throat but I know that it's the worst that could happen right now, so I try hold it in with all strength I've got left.

It only makes me shake pathetically.

Her fingers wipe my tears away angrily, the ones that have escaped now despite my efforts. "You don't get to fucking cry. This is your doing! You've fucked Effy, you found heroin to be the drug of your fucking choice, you snogged my sister after you went all crazy on her. Days later you finally arrive here and the minute I see you, the surprise to actually see you since I've known you've been in town for almost a week now registers in your fucking head as me cheating on you?!" By that point she's growling, shrieking would be too fucking nice right now. I wish she'd just continue yelling, but no,of course she has to be scary as fuck. Schizos can be scary.

_She's_ schizophrenic.

Fuck, that thought hits me like a bucket of cold water. She's got schizophrenia, what the hell will she do to me? _My_ black out, my tunnel vision is nothing compared to her freak outs. She's almost killed a girl by accident. Well, not accident as in accident but she had no idea she was doing it and she couldn't stop herself. What the fuck will I end up as? A bashed in head? Ripped out eyes she's always threatening people with?

"Then you look for a target and turn all crazy bitch, trying to kick seven fucking shades of shit out of him! Do you have any fucking idea how embarrassing that was? I'm new here, everyone thinks I'm a fucking nutter as it is, I certainly don't need you running around wild to make that point clear." Why is it that every word she says hurts like a fucking needle? I don't think that I can feel any worse than I currently am, what with her practically hating my very existence. "And stop looking at me like a fucking kicked puppy will you?"

"I'm sorry."

I want to leave, go far, far away from here and never look back.

Perhaps my apologising made her angrier, I really don't know. Somehow I feel like I don't understand her today, like we're sooo fucking far away from one another that I cant even see her any more. She's never felt further away.

She's on her knees, between my thighs grabbing my chin forcefully and making me look at her. That actually hurts. "Wake the fuck up Naomi!.I..I..I don't even recognise you any more." It's her turn to look down, sadness visibly washing over her. What? But...I am to blame here, why should I start yelling and make another scene when she's barley recovered from our lovely reunion?

She surely cant expect me to yell now, can she? "Why are you here Naomi, please, be honest. I cant take no more lies and shit today." Coughing, I try to make my voice work and not sound as fucking broken as I feel. "I...uh...I promised."

My helpless shrug, the way I finally meet her eyes brings a so fucking sad smile to the corners of her lips. "Who've you promised?" She doesn't sound angry any more, she sounds tired. Maybe we can take a nap later on when she's done yelling at me. I feel like I haven't slept for days. Perhaps I haven't. "You. He, he told me that you were being brought to another clinic...highly specialised in young schizophrenics. I...uh..I'm sorry, so sorry but.." I stop there, almost chocking on my words while I act like a fucking doormat, trembling and so fucking devoted.

What's wrong with me? That's not me.

"But what Naomi? Come on love, keep talking." The patience is back in her voice and it makes me draw in a shaky breath. I wipe my wet eyes with my t-shirts tummy fabric, only when I raise my eyes I see where hers are glued to. She's staring at my bare tummy.

In _that_ situation! First she's giving me a right ear-bashing for fucking ever and now she's suddenly fine with eyeing my tits? How the fuck dare she?

I cross my arms and glare at her, making it known that I don't think her weird libido has here any room. "Fine, I'll do that if you fucking stop perving on me." She clearly heard the seriousness and edge in my voice, it makes her gulp and look away. There's a blush creeping up her neck, covering her throat and cheeks, her tiny elf ears are pink.

A sigh left my lips, how can I stay mad at her for nothing?

I mean, she _is_ my girlfriend.

We haven't seen each other in, apparently, over a week and she's not cheated on me. So, seeing my naked torso turned her on, why the fuck am I that defensive?

Because she told me that I'm a shitty girlfriend, an embarrassment, and loads other things that's why.

It hurts.

I'm no expert in being in a relationship but I always thought that the beginnings were supposed to be all sunshine, sex, and smiles? Why wasn't she happy to see me? I've given up soo fucking much to get to her, it's crazy.

We haven't been together for long, a couple weeks only but to me there was something from the day I've kissed her for the first time. I feel so much, soooo fucking much when I am around her that it makes me want to be close to her all the time.

She is good, and god do I need good.

A couple days without her and I've got the results of what a complete fucked up tit I am. Shooting up H? Fucking Effy? Partying like a fucking raver without a care in the world? Snogging her twin, or her sister or what the fuck Emily is.

My head is all over the place.

There are suddenly thoughts bombarding my mind, reminding me of something that's growing so much with every little detail my brains shoots me with.

It's not metaphorically. It feels like my brain actually has a fucking barrel up against my temple and pulling the trigger with every new thought. When she had a go at me, only a few minutes ago, she said some nasty shit but she wasn't wrong, was she?

What was the thing that made me happily jump head first into this relationship? Her goodness. She takes her medication, she takes the therapy serious, she wants and needs to get better. What am _I_ doing?

The first sign of trouble and I fuck off fucking everything well up the way I always do.

She doesn't deserve this.

She deserves soo much more.

Someone who doesn't yell at her when she says I love you for the first time.

Someone who doesn't accuse her of cheating only because she doesn't act the way I want her to.

Someone who can see the difference between their mind fucking them and the truth and not make her cry.

Someone who will get better so they'll be happy and fucking together in the future.

Someone who _has_ a future.

Someone who can be her rock, regardless of their own problems.

Someone who doesn't get so caught up in their own emotions and feelings that they break down because she looked away too fast for my liking.

Someone not accusing her of something their own imagination created and she never ever even thought about, let alone did.

Someone who wouldn't depend on her with their whole heart and soul, who _could_ survive without her for some time instead of feeling like dying as soon as she's gone.

She needs someone who's strong enough to be there for her, help her get through her problems and support her on every little fucking step she takes. Not someone too broken to be anything but a fucking burden for her when all she needs is her mind to be as carefree as possible for horrible therapy sessions and the aftermath.

My lungs tighten and I gasp for air when it hits me that she needs someone who is clearly not me.

Borderline is an umbrella term...every scientist and doctor says that borderline, as borderline doesn't exist.

If you are diagnosed with it there is a 99% chance that you have an eating disorder, addictions, hurt yourself in any way not only the stereotypical cutting and everything you can think of.

It is also 99% positive that you either hate or love someone. When you do...when you let them close...you live for them, you breath for them and it actually feels like you are dying when they leave you.

It is one of the hardest things, to love and leave a borderliner.

They catch you, like a spider, and when you give in you are so involved that you cant just _leave_. It's an co dependent relationship, friendship, affair, whatever. It is all or nothing and I don't think that Katie has realised that fully.

It pains me to already know that this will break her and not help her like I wish it would.

That I will be _that_ ex for her.

The one that's the reason you get weary and you never fully recover from. The one that brings trust issues out of you, you never really can work through. The one breaking you. Simple as that. "No...no baby." Her hands are on my cheeks and her cute bahookie on my lap, straddling me. "Whatever you're thinking-stop it. It's just...I haven't pegged you for a bag-head honey and it scares me."

My eyes meet hers of their own when I hear that. "The H scared you the most from all of that? Are you serious?"

"I'm really not some boring, prude, lame arse Norman no mates but I thought, I don't know. I thought chang was the most you did, not _heroin_. Haven't expected that." Bringing my arms around her waist I pull her closer, dying to finally feel her warmth. She doesn't seem to mind, thankfully.

She's so fucking gorgeous.

"I'm not. It was the first time I've tried some and believe me I cant even remember any of it. It's either meds or amphetamine I enjoy. Either up or down but I really respect H too much to make it a habit, seen mates die of it you know. I was too far gone to care when I got my fingers on it, it's really not something I long to do again." I promised and I'm glad she finally sighs in relief. "You're not leaving me?"

She tries to look away, but my fingers gently turn her head back and I watch her hopefully. "Please don't?"

Telling me that she wont took her a while, but slightly nodding only once I got the answer I've wished for. I've hurt her, I know. "Can we..I'm so tired Kay."

She looks to her watch and sighs, not happy with what she sees. "You cant stay Naomi."

"I know. Thought just a nap? I'm really knackered and I'm dying to feel you again." She tries to fight the grin, but when my hands move to her butt she stops trying and rolls her eyes good naturally. Pushing her nose to mine she rubs them together before moving her lips to cover mine in a long chaste kiss.

It touches my heart more than any other kiss we shared until now. "Katie did you mean it?" She shakes her head, showing me that she doesn't want to talk any more. Instead she gently pushed me backwards til I hit the mattress and have her hovering above me. "When you said you loved me in our room?"

Stroking my cheek her eyes run over my face.

I'm scared of her answer. Now, thinking back I can see how my reaction must have hurt her, I made fun of it and fucked off with _Effy_. I actually pushed her off and left, how can she still be with me?

Leaning down Katie's lips meet mine, just gently resting there for a moment before she pulls away with a smile. Sincere. That's what Katie is, she is sincere and lovely and so fucking gorgeous I should fight tooth and claw to make her happy. "Of course I did. I don't say that just for the knack of it honey."

"I love you too, you know."

"I know."

"And I promise I wont fuck Effy again, not again."

"I'm glad." She nods. "Sweety, I've really got no idea how long I'll last before I bash her head in with a fucking rock if she wont stop acting like you're still hers."

It shouldn't turn me on, hearing her anger and the way she obviously tries to make a point of me being hers. _Claiming_ me. It really shouldn't be such a huge turn on, no. It should make the free spirit inside of me scream and run for its life at the mere suggestion of someone having a hold of me.

My soul is ready though, and so fucking happily running towards the chains, with only excitement and so much hope it should make me sick. "I'm not." I breath.

Her pupils dial when the words hit her and she lets her body softly top mine. Left hand stroking my bare arm, right hand holding her head up, she watches me through hooded lids. The way she bites her lip, her shallow breathing and her left leg thrown across mine with her knee placed directly where I'd want her fingers or mouth to be, leave me snap my eyes shut.

I desperately try controlling myself.

There is this fire burning inside of me whenever she touches me. Every time she does, it is so fucking delicately and yet as if she knew exactly how to play me until I sing her name up to the heavens.

Sometimes she made me moan out really loud.

Some other times she made me bite down on her shoulder and shudder like I was being electrocuted.

Then there were times when I lay with closed eyes and a fucking smile as I came, under her lovely, so fucking amazingly shaped fingers.

One time when she did that thing with her middle finger, pointer and my clit for the first time it made me shriek out in surprise. What a lovely surprise that was, I had to ask her to do that again.

We slept in my bed, or hers, and I remember how it felt to wake up and have her warm body snuggled to me, always groping my tits in her sleep. There wasn't a time that I woke up without her hands on my boobs, such a tits girl.

Sadly that is _all_ there is.

When I think back to psycho Bristol, and when I allow me thinking back, it shocks me that the clinic means one thing for me.

Effy.

Almost every memory I have of it contains her, mostly in the starring role.

Could we work?

Me and Katie, could we work even with this huge shadow of a mesmerising bone bag forever clouding over the memories of our shared nights, bed, dreams and kisses? Could we actually be together without Effy in the picture in some twisted way or another?

I only know what my body tells me right now, everything else seems to fade into the distance.

So with a determinant glance I circle her waist and pull her closer by the small of her back, suppressing a moan when her knee hits my poor clit.

But that is not what I _want_.

Well not right now.

I cup her neck and lead her down so I can kiss her the way I wanted since she left me standing by that fucking clinic's entrance. My fingers stroke the soft skin I find there, randomly playing with tiny hair I feel while my knee makes its secret way upwards to push into her centre.

Breathing heavily through her nose Katie has her closed her eyes shut really tight, almost as if she's in pain.

But I don't stop.

The hand I have on her back moves very slowly down so I can stretch out my fingers and run them under her shirt. Pushing the material upwards I let my hand tenderly wipe across her hot skin, almost passing out when I feel goosebumps _I've_ made appear everywhere.

I make her chase my tongue before I teasingly wrap my lips around hers and suck. We giggle like cute teenagers having fun making out, and the most beautiful thing about that is that in that moment we are only just that.

There is no borderline.

No schizophrenia.

No Effy.

We are only two girls in love, ready to see where this first love will lead us.

Katie's thigh rips me from my thoughts. She's changed her position a little, leaving her completely on top of me and her right thigh between mine, grinding in a slow rhythm. It matches our snogging, slow but so fucking sexy and passionate. Her whole body moves with her thigh and I am surprised to find what a fucking turn on that is. She's hovering above me, no, not really hovering, it's actually only her torso and head that are a bit above me, not even that. I still feel her tits a bit above mine, so she's actually laying flatly _on_ me. And, the way she moves upwards rhythmically so her thigh can make that wonderful feeling, my clit pulsating, it just looks so fucking sexy I cant help but pull her closer.

My hand has its own ideas, I was trying to behave after all, but it just stealthily moved to her sides, still my whole palm with outstretched fingers, and after touching every bit of her ribcage it just slid around. I'm having her right bra clad tit in the palm of my hand, just holding it as I try to savour the moment.

She hasn't stopped moving yet so that's a good sign, isn't it?

Thinking so, I let my thumbnail drag over her nipple and have to groan when I feel how hard it is already. "Fuck" Her movements have fastened, her breathing did too, and I feel _it_ starting to grow in the pit of my stomach. She just keeps grinding, the way my jeans covered clit enjoys the most, while her teeth make their way from my lips where they've been biting around on to my jaw. She's scarping my skin with them and god do I like it. Brown eyes, so fucking brown that the colour should be renamed because nothing can be _that_ brown, meet mine from time to time, watching for reactions.

Yes, we have been together for a couple weeks now, made out for a couple months but it's not like we were all shagged up in the clinic. Katie was a hard dopey sleepy head for a long time and then there was Effy suddenly talking and me spending the nights with her.

What I try to say is that we don't know our bodies that well. Not yet.

It all is still a bit fresh and new, kinda exciting and that's why I seem to be properly wooed by her simple grinding.

She's reached my throat with her lips. No idea why but she loves kissing it, Effy loved to bite it and fuck me I should really stop thinking about her. She's busy with _Emily_.

Katie stopped moving upwards, instead she is properly pushing her body into me now, making the contact between my crotch and her thigh soooo much more intense. Then her hands go to my jeans and she is panting into my ear as she tries to get me naked.

I'm a huge sap, cant believe I am actually fucking touched that she doesn't seem to want to move off of me. It's a hassle but I find her annoyance amusing when my leg gets stuck in the denim. "Fuck baby I'm sorry but these gotta go right now. I need to fuck you honey, right now." If that's not a turn on I don't know what is. "Spread your legs a bit." It's so breathy and hoarse that I open my eyes again- only to find myself wearing only knickers she's trying to get me out of.

When did that happen?

I don't know why I still find it a little embarrassing when she is about to see all of me. By god it's not the first time I've had sex but...I get self-concious when her eyes roam my naked lady parts. It's not that I don't like it, I do, she certainly looks like she likes what she's seeing. Perhaps it's the intensity her eyes emit.

It is a different kind of intensity than Effy's eyes hold.

I feel more than see her lips close around my left nipple. A delicious sensation of hot and cold teases me, brought by her breath, tongue and the air when she moves to my other tit.

Katie is everywhere at once, it's not as if I could tell you what she's doing right now. When my brain registers that she's dragging her open lips down my torso I suddenly feel her hot breath on my clit and wonder how she can be everywhere at once.

The only thing I know is that this time she made me moan really loud again.

By the time a persistent knocking registers in my brain I've got Katie to lose her clothes, leaving her only in her bra and knickers. My hand is dangerously playing with the waistband of the cute snoopy knickers and I curse, begging her with my eyes to ignore whoever it is. "It could be a nurse..or someone who heard you and came to kick you out..or"

"Emily and Effy." I finished for her, raising my brow.

I love the grimace her face turns into, all scrunched up as if she's disgusted by the idea of them being anywhere near us. Stretching my hand out I laugh at the way her eyes widen, knowing well what I'm about to do. She shrieks when the elastic band hits her skin after I let go of it. It got her to tickle me, me to top her and make her stop breathing when I sneaked my hand into her knickers and circled her clit. Without any warning.

She's so wet I have to wipe my finger on the inside of her knickers because I've slipped all the time. My efforts are frantic, and I act like I've never loved another woman before what with my eyes dancing around her face and body at huge speed, like I'm unsure if I'm even at the right place.

Sensing my dilemma Katie gently cups my wrist and pulls me down to kiss her, as she slowly started to move my hand again. This time I don't slip and trip over my own fingers.

You may wonder why I behave like that...perhaps you've guess right.

Even though Katie has made me see stars in the past weeks, I haven't touched her like that. It is the first time. Sure, there was a bit of groping and grinding at the clinic, one time my lips tasted her tits but that's it.

She always pulled back before anything could happen.

God I hope she'll let me do this now, she'll let me finish her off. That sounds really nasty, like I'm a bloke but it was hell to have her do all this amazing things to me and not be allowed to return the favour.

"Naomi, love no, stop." She whispers, just like every time at the clinic.

I cant hide the disappointment, annoyance or eye roll and she can see it all. Reaching for my hand she tries to pull me into a huge but this time I don't bulge. Instead I tug my clothes from the foot of the bed and slip back inside of them. "It's fine don't worry."

"It's obviously not fine. Do you know why I don't want you to...to"

"To fuck you."

It's her eyes that roll now, she cant take my childish tantrum serious, perhaps that's a good thing or that'd be the next round for today. "I told you at the clinic that I wont do it as long as you're fucking Effy."

With a sigh I pecked her cheek before pulling her shirt down over her head. She reappears with an amused expression and I grin, kissing her again. "I know. It's fine. Sorry, I just..I'd just really like to feel you. Didn't want to snap at you because of that, it's a thing I can understand. Especially now."

The knocking is back and I raise my brows and only then, when Katie nods, I open it to reveal a glaring Effy and shyly smiling Emily.


End file.
